Drunk Texting/Sexting


What is it about being drunk that makes your hand creep into your pocket, whip  it out and embarrass yourself? Sure, it happens with penises once in a while, but more often the culprit is inappropriate text messages that you’ll regret as soon as you wake up. Me too. Every single Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning. While you can easily go to the gym for hours to get rid of the Pepperoni Hot-N-Ready, or the Italian Cheesy Bread (which is absolutely delicious) that your fat ass decided to eat at Little Caesars, drunk texts and even worse, drunk sexts, are out in the open for the world to judge.  


Whether you were the one who got too shitfaced or the one receiving drunk texts/sexts, no one can deny the entertainment they provide us with, even when it’s at your expense.  After waking up to enough of these moments where your heart drops as you think to yourself, “Shit, did I really say that?” These are the four people you need to stop drunk texting:

Your BF/GF (if you don’t go to the same school):  Doing this is one of the stupidest things you could ever do.  Sending your significant other a text that says: “Babbyyy! i’m sooo drunksi3s right nww i msssssssss yuuuuoo <33” or, “theres a guy that looks EXACLTY lke you, its crayz, nd he keeps getng us shots! wigsh you were here ” is going to do absolutely nothing but make him go apeshit and question your fidelity.  The rule here is: you text/call each other before you get bombed, and either again when you’re back at your apartment, or first thing in the morning.

Your Ex:  Hey. Retard. They’re an ex for a reason.  Either they didn’t want to be with you anymore or you stopped wanting to be with them.  Drunk texts between you will never turn out well.  If they ended things, you’re gonna make yourself look like a pathetic dweeb begging them to come back to you. Now, even if you were the one who ended things and let’s say all you want is some ass, well, have fun when they wake up next to you and assume that that means you guys are back together. Clingers suck. Enjoy.

Your Fuck Buddy:
  There is absolutely no reason to text them. You guys are not dating. Anything along the lines of, “I miss you” is unacceptable.  Even if you already know this and are just looking for some late night nookie, those feelings of rejection and embarrassment are inevitable when you realize you textually harassed your bang buddy only to get zero responses. That one looks kind of like:

Me: hey, whatcha doin??
Me: come downtowwnnnnn
Me: im at TDs, where r you?!
Me: Are you coming?
Me: okay…or don’t come.
Me: i’m at my apt now, come overrrr
Me: are you coming or not?
Me: i’m naked ;)
Me: that’s cool, i fucked your roommate.
Me: okay seriously. where are you??


Your Parents: Seriously. What’s wrong with you?  Unless you crave awkward conversations with your parents while you’re still hung over, this one is easy.  Ready? All you have to do is use your reading abilities. As soon as you’ve finished the text that says, “We bout to roll up some bud, come ovr, im so drnkk”, just look at the contact you’re sending it to, and make sure it says anything, literally anything but “Mom” or “Dad”.  

If you suffer from drunk texting/sexting inappropriate shit that makes you cringe the next day, and you lack the self-control to double think what you’re about to send while drunk, well, I’ll give you my remedy: Right before I’m about to pass out, I get my phone out and go straight to my texts and press ‘Delete All’. And then, voila, you wake up with a guilty/embarrassment-free conscience. If I don’t remember sending anything inappropriate, and I don’t have any evidence to suggest I did, then, it didn’t happen.


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