Fact: Johnny Depp Characters Are Bad Dads
- Written by Staff
- June 15, 2012
Johnny Depp’s versatility as an actor is pretty remarkable, as he’s played everything from an infamous mobster to an alcoholic writer to a creepy candy man. So often these characters aren’t quite daddy material. Whether they’re off being too cool to take you to school or because they scream “I’ll kill you!” and mean it, Depp’s characters don’t quite merit a new tie this weekend. So, in honor of Father’s Day, we bring you ten of Johnny Depp’s characters with deep daddy issues, from worst to “best.”
10) Sweeney Todd (Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street) – The Asshole Father
While some dads may cut their child down with words, this dad is a bit more literal. Got caught with an empty fifth under your bed? He’ll set you straight, with a straight-edge razor, that is.
9) Edward Scissorhands (Edward Scissorhands) – The Emo Dad
You come home crying after getting punched by that bitch Emily, and you just need your dad for a shoulder to cry on. Fortunately he’s sensitive enough to hear your pain. Unfortunately, his suggestion of cutting your wrists to ease the pain isn’t the best solution.
8) Willy Wonka (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) – The Diabetes Daddy
There’s no doubt you’ll be the most popular kid in school, what with all the other kids wanting to come over and play (and binge eat) at your place. That is, until the other children’s parents no longer allow them to come over once half of them develop Type II Diabetes.
7) Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean) – The Absentee Father
It’s pretty neat that daddy is running around the high seas stealing gold from everyone, but will you ever see his riches? No, because he’s so preoccupied with being a swashbuckling scallywag that he doesn’t have time to microwave dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets for you to munch on.
6) George Jung (Blow) – The Drug-Dealing Daddy
Though your father’s job is not the most reputable, nor one that you can ever mention, at least daddy is walkin’ around with a smile on his face 24/7, even if he is slightly twitchy. When you ask him what kind of salesmen he is, he just smiles and answers with Jacksons and Benjamins, so you can’t really complain.
5) Hunter S. Thompson (The Rum Diary) – The Plastered Papa
Your college buddies can go three days in a row on a drinking binge. You, on the other hand, can go five. You finally come stumbling home and see that your dad is gone, with a note that says “On a drinking binge in Puerto Rico, see ya.” Cracking open another beer, you realize it all makes sense.
4) John Dillinger (Public Enemies) – The Double-Life Dad
It’ll be nice to know that the kids at school won’t screw with you (hell, even their parents are afraid of you), but seeing the old man on the news every week for his acts of grand larceny won’t do much for the ole’ self-esteem.
3) Barnabas Collins (Dark Shadows) – The Awkward Father
He’s the dad who dresses like it’s still the 70s, can’t type on a touch screen phone for the life of him, and listens to disco loudly and proudly. If that wasn’t bad enough, he’s a freakin’ vampire. Even worse is that the twi-hards totally dig him. How embarrassing!
2) The Mad Hatter (Alice in Wonderland) – The Overprotective Father
Of course you can appreciate how much he cares about you, but when your dad waltzs into the bar you’re clearly too young to be at, with a huge top hat atop his bushy red hair, dragging you out by your shirt collar, it’s totally humiliating. But once you sit down to a calm cup of tea, you realize it’s only because he loves you.
1) Hunter S. Thompson (Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) – The Free-Spirited Father
This pop won’t be pissed if he catches you rolling a j in the garage. In fact, he’ll show you a thing or two on how to roll it better. Actually, he’s got some mescaline in his desk drawer that you’d probably enjoy very much. You know, because it’s important to expand your mind, son.