Famous People Sex


I’m going to let you into my life a little bit. I do stand-up comedy and surprisingly, I’m pretty damn good at it. I didn’t truly realize this until just last semester when I gained my first groupie. Now this girl had taken a beating from the ass’s end of the ugly stick, but I was too stoked that a girl wanted to have sex with me only for my comedic abilities. The novelty of banging someone just because you’re so awesome is too much to pass up. This brought up the issue which I’ll obviously have to address later in life: famous people sex.


As a famous person you have to accept the fact that you are objectified. In the eyes of slobbering fans you no longer are a person but an idea or a toy. You feel like the cute, popular girl at the prom except instead of a manicure and anorexia you have Cheeto fingers and developing alcoholism. To be honest, you probably won’t give a shit at all due to the awesomeness of getting laid just because you are good at something.


Sadly, at first the pickings are not good as far as groupies go. Ugly girls would love a chance to plant the ‘first’ flag on a future celebrity and when he’s rich accuse him for rape. Luckily as you grow steadily in fame so does the attractiveness of the poon you’ll be slaying. You’ll probably start at an acne-fied Kathy Bates look-a-like, but within a year or two of solid fame growth you’ll have moved on to Jessica Biel, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, territory. (She’ll have the herp though; you won’t be famous enough to have clean girls just yet.)


The abundance of groupies can also have a debilitating effect on your psyche, however. With girls coming up to you, screaming that they know you, your ego will grow to such great heights that you will stop trying. You might as well just sigh and whip out your dick the next time that cute girl in class asks you what page you’re on. Whereas you used to at least shower and dress in a button down shirt before going out, you’ll complain to the doorman at Clys that sweatpants, a wife beater, and house shoes are well within the dress code. If not then fuck him, he isn’t famous, now go home and sext that Kathy Bates girl.


If you don’t believe me then take for instance the Snoop Dogg concert last week. If you were in attendance, then you already know that the concert officially started at nine and yet the father of rap didn’t appear in front of the restless audience until three hours later because… fuck ‘em that’s why. When you can schedule a show to start at nine in a crowded building in the middle of a blizzard and you proceed to get high, eat a whole pizza, take a nap, get high again while getting head, and watch SportsCenter before you go out onstage you really don’t give a fuck. When you’re famous, you can treat your endless groupies like shit just because you feel like it.


So for those of you on your way to stardom and ready for all the famous sex that comes with it just hang in there. About ten years from now you may just end up banging the real Kathy Bates.


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