FAQ: The World of Despicable Me Minions

 

When Despicable Me was released into the world the real stars of the movie turned out to be the strange yellow men that followed Gru, the villainous protagonist, like puppy dogs. Though the minions are short, balding, and often only possess only one eye, people everywhere shoved eachother aside, rushing to buy various Minion merchandise without fully understanding the ins and outs of the yellow pill people. Even after stocking up on plush Minion dolls that sing the “Banana Song” on command, moviegoers still itched to know more about these mysterious overalls-wearing monsters. To provide full, decisive responses to your frequently asked questions, here’s a list of frequently asked questions (or, "FAQ" for insiders), hoping that our answers will provide you with insight into the world of the adorably puzzling minions.

What exactly are the Minions? Where did they come from?

We're not exactly sure where or when or how the Minions were born. Given their physique, a racist may think they are mutated Asian men. However, evidence might also suggest that they evolved from the Cyclops, shrinking in size and adopting extra eyes whenever natural selection saw fit.  

How do we learn Minionese?

Minionese is an obscure language that is still baffling many of our most talented linguists today. However, experts agree Minionese contains the most elegant of English words, such as “BUTT!”, “FIGHT!”, and “BANANA,” giving English speakers an advantage in learning the language of the Minions. Some “researchers” claim that they also use Filipino and Japanese and a mixture of other languages. This, of course, is nonsense. We must assume, in true American fashion, that when the Minions are not speaking English, they are speaking gibberish.

How do you tell minions apart?

Some of them have English names, like “Kevin” and “Dave” and “Jerry.” But Kevin looks like Jerry, who looks like Dave and Tim. So don’t bother memorizing names or try telling them apart. We just point out “that one minion with three eyes and five strands of hair” or “the one that dresses like Pippi Longstocking.”    

How do the minions reproduce?  

So far, we have deduced that all of the minions are male. To compensate for the absence of female minions, and therefore a lacking sexual drive, the minions have an excess of energy, which causes them to be overly distracted by everything from bapples to butts.

Come to think of it, we are unsure whether or not they even have a sexual orientation. We guess that they might be asexual, save for the cross-dressing maid, who might have some homoerotic tendencies.

If I fall in love with a minion, what are my chances?

Whaaaaat? Well, that’s an interesting question. We’d tell you to get yourself a nice human being and make tall, two-eyed, human babies.

If you’re hopelessly in love, it is possible to get to second base with a minion, as Despicable Me 2 made evident. If you’re not a red-head named Lucy Wilde, the best way of getting your minion to love you back is to put on some overalls, cover your three eyes with goggles, and make as many butt jokes as possible. If all else fails, you can always turn your unrequited love into anger and steal the moon. Now that Gru has gone soft, the world needs a new, vengeful villain.

Even after stocking up on plush Minion dolls that sing the “Banana Song” on command, moviegoers still puzzled about these mysterious overalls-wearing monsters. Scratch your head in wonder no longer world, the Minions are exposed thanks to our helpful FAQ.

 

 
 

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