Female Roommate: Pros and Cons

 

America's way of thinking has become increasingly more progressive in recent years. One can remember a time when calling your babysitter a racial slur over the telephone was generally frowned upon, and wearing sunglasses made out of cigarettes was, for the most part, completely unheard of. But when I was placed with a female roommate my freshman year at PAR, the world had reached a new level of punk-rock progressiveness.

 

The initial ecstasy of this discovery was enough to make me want to cut off my right ear and release all of the quadrupeds from the zoo. This was sweet; this was Empire Strikes Back awesome. Or was it? Could there be some downsides I'm not seeing?

 

The Pros and Cons of having a female roommate:

 

Pro: She's a girl.

For hygienic reasons, this is a good thing. It is commonly believed that girls never fart or poop, but after years of grueling longitudinal studies, males have discovered this to be false.  When girls fart, they will usually save it for a time when they are completely alone, like when perusing a Hallmark store or visiting a cemetery. And when a female has no other option but to fart in front of somebody else she will usually turn on a radio to cover any aural output. Also, the smell of a female fart leaves behind a sweet fruity fragrance, depending on which flavor of light yogurt the girl had eaten hours prior.

 

Con: She's a girl.

And for standard reasons, this is a bad thing. I am always the first to admit that girls are much smarter than men. I'm fine with that. But when living with a female, this fact must be considered. After a while, being proven wrong is just going to get annoying. If I am going to be beaten in Mario Party 2 because of clever female witchery, or have all of my Lost theories disproved by a superior female mind, she better look like Zooey Deschanel.

 

Pro: There is a possibility of her looking like Zooey Deschanel.

And if she does, I have my plan all mapped out:

It's late at night, my roommate is just returning from doing female things, and I am sitting on my bunk (top bunk, of course) playing the guitar.

 

Roommate: I didn't know you played guitar! Can you play me a song?

 

Me: Of course, anything for a lady.

I will then play the song "In The Aeroplane Over The Sea" by Neutral Milk Hotel.


Roommate: That's really sweet! Did you write that?


Me: Yes, yes I did.

We will then spend the next three hours in violent love-making. There is no resisting it.

 

Con: The couple minutes after said "violent love-making".

So you just shagged Zooey Deschanel. Now what? Do you give her a high-five? Do you talk about your feelings for her and about your love for saving humpback whales? Are you allowed to flip on Mythbusters? There is no way of making this situation less than a little awkward. And when will you fit these sexual expeditions in? Nobody likes hooking up on a tiny futon and then having to return to chemistry homework.  Also, a dorm room is way too small of a place to house these frisky acts, expansion will become a necessity.  But when it comes to making out in a bathroom stall next to a dude vomiting Franzia, the GoGurt is no longer worth the squeeze.

 

Pro: A girl roommate is far less likely to eat all of your Nutella.

One thing which can become rather unpleasant about having a male roommate is the common occurrence of having all of your beer and Funions consumed by thievery. Most girls are self-conscious about their weight, or so I've heard. This makes a female far less likely to raid your fridge, unless you keep it stocked with celery and Fiji Water.

 

Con: Even if she does look like Zooey Deschanel and doesn't eat your food, you still have to live with her.

Living with a girl means one thing and one thing only, you get to see the sort of things that can haunt a man for life. Who wants to see Zooey Deschanel wearing sweat pants while cutting her toe nails? Or talking about the massive dump she just took? (She will of course be making it up, being that girls only poop butterflies, but you still don't want to hear that). It's like finding out that Beethoven wrote the original version of Weezer's Red Album. Sure, he may have written some of the most beautiful symphonies ever heard but to find out that he was capable of such atrocities diminishes his greatness.

 

Pro: Girls have Boobs.

Yes!

 

Con: To have a successful relationship with a girl roommate, you can't complain about her being smarter than you, mention the importance of her looking like Zooey Deschanel, or focus too much on her breasts.

Damn.

 

So what have we learned? We have learned that Weezer's Red Album sucks, and my female skills are even worse. As it turns out, something had gone horribly awry with roommate placing at PAR. My female roommate was a mistake and the staff at U of I were frantically contacting all parents to try and prevent as many anti-cohabiting letter bombs as they could. 

 

Maybe it was a blessing that I would not have a female roommate, and maybe it was a curse. All I know is that now I am going to have to put up with a lot of offensive farting, and Zooey Deschanel still remains as far away from me as ever

 

 
 
 
 
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