Finally, Finals!

• Article by Isaac
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• December 5, 2011
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• Illinois State,
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1. How excited are you for Finals?

a) Oh, I am so excited, you have no idea!

b) Wait…finals are coming up? Shit!

c) Well…I’m just excited to go home, so bring ‘em on.

d)  WE ARE THE 99%

e) All of the Above

Sorry, did I scare you with that multiple choice question right off the bat? Perhaps you’d like an essay question instead?

Describe the cause and effect relationship between drinking alcohol and taking finals. Explain the pros and cons of doing so, and then pick a position and argue it.

Okay so yeah, finals are coming up, and they’re gonna suck. Hopefully we can get through them together, but most likely not. You know you’ll be in Watterson or Southside on those late night study sessions, munchy-wunchin’ on some breadsticks and pizza, trying to remember what the Dijkstra’s Algorithm has to do with your major: Women’s Studies. The most important thing to remember when studying for finals is to relax. You honestly can’t psyche yourself out—this is the perfect way to flunk a final. But then again…there’s so much to review, and so much to memorize. Oh shit, I forgot I have 3 finals on Monday. Oh well, too late to change them. Now I’m even more stressed. Ohh, this breadstick tastes so goooooood. Oh shit! I just got meat sauce on my review sheet. Now I can’t tell what I have to study or not. AH SHITTTT!!!! The final is in 5 hours! I better pull an all-nighter so I don’t miss it. I’ll just study this stupid piece of paper until I memorize everything. Okay…so…the derivative of 2x is…--ZZZZzzzzzZZZzzz.

Rules of Finals

1. DO NOT SLEEP THROUGH THEM

Yeah, you may have slept through your entire MAT 113 lectures throughout the entire semester, but sleeping through your final is going to result in you taking the class over again. I know Chung Choo Su would love that, but you sure as hell wouldn’t. Nobody wants to repeat classes, so the easiest way to avoid this is to just simply go and take the final. 50/100 is better than 0/100 any day of the week, unless that 0/100 is referring to herpes, then fuck yeah, I’d rather have the 0/100. But this isn’t herpes. It might feel as painful…but trust me, it’s not. Set your alarm clock. Have your roommate slap you awake. Sleep outside and have rabid animals attack you until you wake up. Whatever you gotta do to make that 7:50a.m. final, do it.

2. STUDY FOR THEM

So this one sounds fairly obvious, but it’s not. Trust me, one time I went into a Politics of Africa, Asia, and Latin America (POL 140) final without studying, and it wasn’t fun. I pretty much just picked the answers that sounded funniest. Don’t try copying, either. Those teachers watch you like hawks on Finals days. They’re thinking the whole time, if any one of these fuckers so much as sneezes a glance at another paper, I’m gonna rip their fuckin’ heads off. Guarantee you that is going through any teachers head at any given time during a final. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask ‘em? Yeah, das what I thought, G.

3. TAKE YOUR MO-FUCKIN’ TIME

You know you’re fucked in a final if you finish before anyone else. Even if you’re the smartest mo-fucka in duh class, you take your mo-fuckin’ time in the mo-fuckin’ final, because you never know what might happen. I knew this guy, it wasn’t me…okay, yeah it was. I took a final and finished before anyone else. Later that day I asked my buddy what he thought of the test, and he told me how hard it was, but he was glad there was that extra credit on the back page, or he would’ve failed the class. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU--.

4. RE-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX

Okay, I’m not gonna tell you to smoke a jay before the exam. [In fact, please please please don’t do that. You’ll thank me later.] But there are tools to utilize to relax before a final. The most important one is sleep (Refer to Number 1.) Secondly, just try something, like chewing gum, taking deep breaths, whatever you have to do, just don’t stress out about the final. It’s just one test. I know you don’t want to see what his name, your MAT 113 teacher next semester. It doesn’t matter to him, he gets paid either way. 

A note about picking classes for next semester: www.ratemyprofessor.com is your best friend. www.theblacksheeponline.com is your second best friend. www.kids-in-sandbox.com is not your friend at all. Please do not look into that. You will thank me. Good luck, and good night!