Fire Up Slutty Chips!
- Written by Eddie Felson
- September 16, 2011
As an aspiring journalist I immediately put up a status message on Facebook asking for any suggestions or ideas for a Central Michigan University-related article. My Facebook wall was immediately flooded with multiple people asking the same thing: Why are CMU girls are so slutty? Moments later I received a picture message of a Central girl posing in a not-so-flattering way with a caption saying, “This may help with your article. She goes to CMU. She’s a slut.” Due to the graphic nature of the photo I’m not able to include it in the article, but I’m sure whatever shameful act your mind is picturing is pretty accurate.
With two sisters attending the school for the dimwitted in Mt. Pleasant I felt a little torn about writing about the morally inept women-- I mean sluts-- of CMU. But then my sisters pissed me off last week so I said “screw it” and started writing. I hope their slutty Chip classmates read this, but it’s not in crayon and there’s not too many pictures, so who knows? Ah yes, back to the sluts: Although WMU may party a little harder than the rest, here our women are respected throughout the University and the community. In Mt. Pleasant, however, these women (dammit, I mean sluts) spread their STDs around the state when they visit other schools like ours, schools with dignity. We turn them down time after time, of course, but they don’t take no for an answer.
Now, this may not be fair, because I guess it’s not entirely their fault that the Chips are the way they are. At a young age these naive lasses (sluts) made an ill-advised choice to go to a school in the middle of nowhere where a Friday night consists of one of three things: gambling, blacking out or fellatio. What’s to be expected of them? The men they fellate aren’t the stand-up gentlemen you’d find floating around The Zoo, nope, not by any stretch of the imagination. They’ll pressure and plea and goad until they get what they want. These women-- there I go again, sluts-- have stumbled into the Mount Pleasant Mecca of redneck guys who enjoy their share of tractors, farm animals, and Busch Light (preferably in camouflage cans), when it’s all of those or women, a dude will get desperate to pressure a slutty dame pretty fast.
It’s sad; out of high school these sluts had such promising futures. Some wanted to be doctors, others lawyers, now they just want to be employed. The men of CMU cannot provide them with the type of household that these sluts feel they deserve. These sluts did not attend CMU with the idea of living out of the back of a travel trailer. They expect the kind of doublewide that they grew up in. Is that too much to ask of their men? I don’t think so.
It gets worse. With the professors of CMU on strike the women of CMU have become sluttier to start this year. This means that when we face off against the Chips in September the hormones of the Chip sluts will be raging. As men, we need to protect ourselves against the diseases that spread around CMU that were left inside the Central girl who is now staring at you from across the room in joyful hope of riding you the rest of the night.
So be aware, for on the 17th the sluts of CMU cum a calling.