From Broads to Birdies

Article by Ethan Cunningham
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April 19, 2012
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Georgia

A few months ago I drove towards campus on Baxter. While still contemplating reaching into my backseat for the Gushers and SunnyD (alright!) that I had just bought, I drove in silence to mourn a UGA staple and, intrinsically, celebrate its rival’s survival. The Free Market giveth, and the Free Market taketh away. We had lost Chelsea’s. BUT! I had Gushers.

I’ve never been to a strip club gentlemen’s club. In fact, even Toppers has eluded me as a downtown destination. It’d be one thing if we weren’t in Athens, Georgia. Actually, it’d be everything if we weren’t in Athens, Georgia. I vaguely remember an evening outside of Taco Stand after a few margaritas watching one of Toppers’ finest stumble around in five-inch pumps with her cellphone on a lanyard, realizing I’d sooner eat my own eyes than spend an evening throwing my hard-earned nickels at her. I would have to imagine that the “models” that lurk in the dark corners of Fantasy World and what once was Chelsea’s are all pretty much cut from that exact same cloth.

So now we have a giant hole in the Athens landscape which used to be a giant hole in the Athens landscape filled with giant h — well, you get the point. Because Fantasy World obviously has the superior location (read: money laundering) and “Michael Adam’s School of Hoes” is actually already trademarked, it’s obvious that another strip joint won’t play well there. Neither would an Applebee’s, although the both serve the same nasty shit.

Many states carry “Quarry Reclamation Acts” stating that the used area must be converted to usable space or filled. Superfund sites receive similar attention. There’s no doubt that the land that once housed Chelsea’s has been very used, though I cannot speculate on how well things have been filled there. Imagining (you know, from movies and things) what it looks like on the inside, I’d have to imagine several of those “VIP” rooms would make great ball pits for a Chuck E Cheese’s (also a magical land full of tricks I’ve never been to), or a contractor could raze that shit and build a miniature golf place. Let’s watch Fantasy World deal with that. If half their clientele can’t come within 100 yards of a minor that should certainly impact something, granted they actually have clientele and the money laundering comment above is totally untrue, even though it definitely is.

The more I consider it, the more a putt-putt place makes sense. What is their competitive advantage, you ask? Bee Why Oh Bee. The only miniature golf in Georgia where you can get going-to-your-sister’s-high-school-Shakespeare-play wasted, swing as hard as you want at that windmill, and make sure you’ve got enough liquid confidence to face that damn laughing clown at the end of hole 6.

Freshman flocking from the dorms, the proximity to Milledge – it’s too perfect to pass up. Chelsea’s almost had a good idea with amateur night, but nothing trumps amateur golf, especially with tequila. Chelsea’s left a big hole in our hearts and the city of Athens. Let’s fill it with balls.