High School Sweethearts Still Going Strong (As Far As They Know)
- Article by Austin Gomez
- September 9, 2013
Three weeks into their now-long distance relationship, a high school couple who vowed to “make things work” in spite of attending two different universities, claim that things are “still going well” and “could never be better” … as far as they know.
With Katie going to the University of Iowa and Daniel at the University of Illinois, the pair who started their seven-month relationship during senior year at a suburban Illinois public high school figured that the four-hour drive between each other would be “tough” at first but ultimately “worth the challenge.” It’s been theorized that Daniel was tenderly rubbing Katie’s shoulder when he first said this, followed with a sweet peck on the cheek.
“It’s just what feels right at this point in our lives, you know?” said Daniel, after getting settled into his room in Forbes Hall. “We both love each other very much and there’s no doubting we’ll need each other for support when the distance gets overwhelming. But at the same time, we both need to grow and experience college. Hopefully that’s something we can do together.”
During his first few weeks at Illinois, Daniel has blacked out for the first four times in his life, gotten high with his floormates on a nightly basis, made an ass out of himself pole dancing at Joe’s, fell face-first after pole dancing at Joe’s, received his first drinking ticket, and found himself knuckle-deep in a girl from the same high school who he’d never really talked to before despite sexual tension that’s totally been developing between them for years now.
Katie and Daniel chat on Skype frequently in order to plan their bi-monthly visits with each other, which have since turned to once a month “if they’re lucky,” since their schedules are getting “pretty hectic around this time of the year.” Roommates of the couple state that, when Skyping, Daniel and Katie lock their respective rooms for a few hours, likely masturbating to each other awkwardly with headphones on. When the two of them ask each other how their social lives have been, they both respond with something along the lines of: “It’s okay. I’ve gone out a few times, but nothing special … I miss you, though!”
During Katie’s first few weeks at Iowa, she has had her eyes set on rushing several sororities, showed up to her ANTH 101 lecture hungover with her heels and wristband still on from the night before, Snapchatted nudes of herself to that sophomore living a few floors down from her, has incessantly bitched about her weird roommate who “never goes out because of anxiety or some bullshit,” and engaged in a threesome with a mystery man and who she thinks was another girl she met at a house party.
It’s also been reported that if Katie is approached at the bars by an unsightly guy, she will immediately pull the “sorry, I have a boyfriend” card to impede him from dry humping her leg like a neutered Pomeranian. If the guy is a solid 7.5 out of 10 or higher, she is said to forget that Daniel ever existed.
“Daniel’s a really sweet guy,” said Katie after a two-and-a-half hour Skype sex session. “I know most people say that high school relationships don’t really work out in college, but I really can’t imagine what my life would be without a guy like him. Plus, it’s nice to have a mutual understanding of our freedoms so we don’t suffocate each other.”
Just last weekend, Katie visited Daniel for the first time since not seeing him for more than a month. Though they had the whole Champaign-Urbana area at their disposal, Daniel did not take Katie to any bars or parties, since he found that scene “sort of obnoxious and immature,” to which Katie hesitantly agreed. Instead, Daniel treated her to dinner at the Ike, and the two of them walked hand-in-hand to the UGL to rent a nice Adam Sandler romantic comedy and two other animated movies they wouldn’t end up watching.
When Spanglish’s credits were rolling, Daniel’s roommate asked him if he wanted to pass his bottle of Burnett’s around for a couple swigs. Daniel looked at Katie, politely declined, and retorted saying, “Nah, it’s not really my thing, man.” Katie smiled, and the two looked into each other’s eyes with gigantic lumps in their throats for three straight hours talking about how they couldn’t imagine spending time with anyone else. Afterward, they walked to Insomnia Cookies and talked about how much they hated “irritating drunk people” and how they were glad to both be “waiting until 21” to drink.
After her departure, Katie wiped away her tears on the road before responding to her inbox filled to the brim with booty-call messages and texts-upon-texts of “hey,” “hey were are u,” “no seriousl though i love you Karl,” “Katie* sorry im drunk ahahas,” and “hey can i get another tit pic ;)?”
Daniel also took Katie’s leaving hard but licked his emotionally pussified wounds by spending the rest of the night on pornhub.com. After watching dozens of “WILD COLLEGE GIRLS PARTAKE MASSIVE ORGY”-titled videos, Daniel began to rethink his relationship with Katie upon seeing how “totally easy” college girls can be.