How Stereotypical of You


Dear Freshmen,

If you’ve doubted yourself even once over the past few trying weeks of college, I would just like to say one thing to boost your spirits: You are adorable. The way you wander around in large groups as if you know where you’re going…its cute. If another freshman comes up to me at a party and asks where she can fill her cup up, I might burst out in giggles. But let’s face it; all you want is to fit in. Being the kind, respectable senior that I am, I decided to provide you a complete guide of how you are expected to act, broken down by major. Thank me later. 



Clothing: Guys wear jeans that are way more expensive than they look, v-necks from Urban Outfitters, and Keds of an interesting color. Bonus points if they wear Ray-Ban-esque glasses without the lenses. Girls wear jean shorts with tights underneath (even on warm days), clunky lace-up boots, and a men’s flannel they found at Goodwill. 

Favorite activity: Reading a novel on the Green with absolutely no intention of tanning.

Current job: Coffee shop “barista.” They occasionally write puns on the wall and make fun of the customers who order decaf.

Future career: Dead-end publishing job and part-time (unpaid) writer. 

Pick-up line: “Haaave you met [insert their own name here]?”

Most likely to be seen: At a poetry reading in Homegrown.

Favorite drink: Straight whiskey. It’s ironic because…

Expect: Lots of snide comments from adults about what you want to do with your life. 



Clothing: Practical. Who knows when they might be called out for a bridge inspection? Usually sneakers, worn jeans, and a t-shirt (absolutely no v-neck). 

Favorite activity: Driving. It gives them a chance to point out interesting water runoff systems.

Current job: Job? Who has time for a job?

Future career: Working for the Pennsylvania Transportation Department as a project manager. 

Pick-up line: “Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.”

Most likely to be seen: Running from class to the lab.

Favorite drink: Water. It’s actually much more exciting than you think!

Expect: Late nights studying before exams that will literally determine whether you succeed in life. Also expect your friends to come to you with any sort of academic question imaginable, even if it has nothing to do with engineering. 



Clothing: Ever seen Jersey Shore?

Favorite activity: Talking about how rich they will definitely be.

Current job: Any get-rich-quick scheme involving the sale of overpriced products to students and bombarding them with Facebook messages about it. 

Future career: Managing a Best Buy.

Pick-up line: Something cocky along the effect of “Your place or mine?”

Most likely to be seen: At Grotto’s with their eyes glued to a TV or boobs.

Favorite drink: Beer. Just…beer.

Expect: Lots of men in class. If you are a desperate girl, congrats! If you are a desperate man, switch majors.



Clothing: Nothing controversial. They wear styles everyone approves of. Solid colors, no patters that would confuse small children, and no indecent exposure, intended or unintended.

Favorite activity: Practicing their handwriting.

Current job: Babysitting. It’s really an exercise in patience. They should get class credit for it.

Future career: Elementary teacher soon-to-be stay at home mom/dad.

Pick-up line: “I just love kids. BUT NOT IN A CREEPY WAY!” ::cheesy laugh::

Most likely to be seen: At the Learning Center picking up stickers and crayons. You can never be too prepared.

Favorite drink: An appropriate amount of wine. But only if they’re 21 or over! Because otherwise, you know, it’s illegal.

Expect: Your friends to be jealous because you get summers off FOREVER. Also expect random scenarios thrown at you by drunk girls. Example: “What would you do if a child smeared peanut butter all over the room and then you found out another child was allergic to peanuts and you had no cell phone on you?? OMIGOD.”



Clothing: Should be very fashion forward but usually isn’t.

Favorite activity: Arts & crafts.

Current job: UDress. It’s a full time job, right?

Future career: Getting coffee for Meryl Streep.

Pick-up line: “Hey bitch.”

Most likely to be seen: In Allison Hall. Sewing.

Favorite drink: Sex on the beach. 

Expect: To dole out bullshit fashion advice to people you don’t know.



Clothing: Sorority shirt, North Face, Abercrombie jeans or black leggings, unassuming black boots. Did I guess right?

Favorite activity: Attending “socials” (read: dages) and talking about how easy their classes are.

Current job: Keeping up their Twitter/Facebook/Tumblr or all of the above. It’s just an investment in their future, really.

Future career: Questionable considering they might not have one.

Pick-up line: “So…what frat are you in?”

Most likely to be seen: Anywhere they can get a tan.

Favorite drink: Anything with alcohol in it.

Expect: To watch movies in your classes, do projects about reality shows, and get a lot of insulting comments from people who wish they were in your major.


Political Science

Clothing: Button down and slacks. If they look like they’re prepared for a class presentation every day of the week, they’re probably a PoliSci major. 

Favorite activity: Arguing about current events and in general just being way more politically active than anyone our age should be.

Current job: Any “leadership” position.

Future career: Being Joe Biden’s bitch.

Pick-up line: “Can I get into your private sector?”

Most likely to be seen: At one of their multiple forward-thinking club meetings.

Favorite drink: Sam Adams or any other alcoholic beverage named after a historic figure.

Expect: To have a personal opinion or statement prepared about every important news story. Also expect to go along with your Professor’s chosen ideology or be prepared to fail. 


So, next time you throw on that “CLASS OF ‘15” t-shirt, first consider whether you want to be singled out as “that” freshman. Then I suggest you refer to this guide and figure out what you really should be wearing. After all, college is all about doing what everyone else is doing. If a business major wears sunglasses indoors then tries hitting on an English major thereby jumping of a figurative cliff, do you do the same? Yes, you do. 



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