How to: Ace an Interview
- Written by Bailey Walsh
- April 11, 2012
Are you a graduating senior with absolutely no career prospects upon graduation? Do your parents think you reek of failure? So much that they have no intentions of letting you move back home after college because they’re ashamed of how much of a loser you’ve become?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, your journey to success is going to be a long one. There is good news, though—I have a doctorate in Baby Steps and I’m going to walk you through the steps of becoming an incredible interviewee.
And hey, once you make it past that, you’ll be sittin’ pretty in a certified pre-owned Toyota in no time, eating fine, aged cheese from Trader Joe’s and drinking organic milk by the gallon.
Step One: Edit your résumé to make you sound as good as you wish you were.
In today’s economy, companies are looking for applicants who have standout skills—because, unfortunately, your college diploma alone is about useful as a poop-ejaculating cock. And that’s what buttholes are for, people.
In order to make your résumé more appealing to the masses, you’ll need to spice up your qualifications with a more professional vernacular:
Event Coordinator, Bananaz For Bananas
Contact: Ike Plantain 1-(800) BAN-ANAS
This position has allowed me to work closely and adroitly on a plethora of significant proceedings for Bananaz For Bananas’ newest (and largest to date) marketing campaign: Potassium is Sexy! In addition to being outstandingly lucrative in terms of ROI, the fruits of my labor also substantially ameliorated the company’s public image (as all of my endeavors do).
Step Two: Dress to get undressed by their eyes.
What’s the best way to sell something? Sex. We all know it; we’ve all succumbed to it; we’re all guilty. Why? Because it works—which is exactly why you need to dress in a way that would make your interviewer so distracted by their desire to undress you that they just hire you out of delusion.
There is a catch, however; I don’t need any of you sluts reading the title and taking your shirts off all willy nilly. When I say “dress to undress,” it has its limits. Your dress to undress clothes should be business appropriate, but pencil skirts weren’t created with a slit for nothing. And, bros, don’t underestimate the power of a well-chosen tie. I once had a friend who let some stranger titty-bang her just because of the tie he was wearing. It was a Mickey Mouse tie.
The point is, you can be fully dressed and still look like a sex hub if you wear the most important thing of all: Confidence. Walk into your interview with the swagger of Enrique Iglesias and you’ll walk out employed.
Step Three: Become a farmer on the charm farm.
Charm is an art form that requires you to use the smoothest moves your body can muster in order to become a master. Charming people typically have nice smiles, smell like something you’d want to bang, and say things that make you feel tingly inside, down there.
The trick behind all of this, though, is just making people think you think they’re valuable. Laugh at their jokes when they’re not funny, smile and wink at them even if they’re so overweight it makes you sick, and, most importantly, make them feel like they need you.
Because, really, at the end all of this, that’s our ultimate goal. Put yourself in a position of power; if they need you, they need you— even if it takes six figures, ‘namsayin? Just ask that schmuck, Ike, on one knee over at Bananaz for Bananas.