How to Celebrate Valentine’s Day If You’re So Very Alone
- Written by Nora Carnevale
- February 13, 2012
So, it’s Valentine’s Day. Time for millions of tweets and Facebook statuses from all the single ladies out there feeling sorry for themselves. There will be plenty of girls’ nights filled with wine, whining about guys, and watching The Notebook. Some single girls will proclaim to their friends and to the internet that they absolutely love being single and don’t give a shit about Valentine’s Day (“it’s a made up holiday anyway”) others will cry over ex-boyfriends or non-existent boyfriends, all the while wondering when they will find their own Ryan Gosling.
Instead of finding the perfect, romantic man who will pick you up, kiss you and say “if you’re a bird I’m a bird” the foolproof way of avoiding another girl’s night this Valentine’s Day is to fake having a boyfriend. It may seem impossible, but it will just take dedication. If executed the right way you will end up with a very satisfying Valentine’s Day, not because you are actually in love but because all of your single, miserable friends will be jealous of you. Valentine’s Day is a superficial holiday anyway, right?
The first step is to find an equally lonely and desperate guy friend. He doesn’t even have to be that great of a friend, just focus on desperate. An ideal person would be a guy who just broke up with his girlfriend, is kind of shy, but actually pretty hot. These guys do exist, you just don’t notice them. He cannot be close friends with your friends because then it would be too weird and obvious. So, find that guy and let him in on the plan. He is probably lonely, heartbroken, and has nothing to lose. Perfect.
The next step is to establish the stakes. You don’t really want to bang or date this guy, so what’s in it for him? You could offer to write a paper or two for him next semester. Or, if he is coming off of a break up this works more to your advantage because he will be wanting to make his ex as jealous as you want to make your friends, so it’s a win-win. Or if you are a terrible person, lead him on so that he thinks even though this is a fake relationship there is a chance of him eventually getting some.
Next, everyone knows you’re not actually hooking up if it’s not on Facebook. Convince him to give you access to his profile, log in as him, and create fake conversations between the two of you. Don’t overdo it, but make sure people would read the wall posts and think “yep, they’re definitely boning.” Once it’s Facebook official, there is only one thing left for you to accomplish besides the actual Valentine’s Day love fest. Brag to your friends, of course! “Yeah, we’re just kind of hooking up, but I feel like he’s actually really into me. He asked me to dinner on Valentine’s Day...” Just play it off as if it’s no big deal at all. It will drive them insane, even if they act happy for you. That’s just how girls are. What will make it better is how mysterious and hot this random guy will seem since they don’t really know him. Don’t answer your phone for a few hours and when your friends finally get a hold of you just say you’ve been “really preoccupied” with this new guy.
When it becomes time for the actual date, it is important to pick a venue that will not give away your ruse. You need it to be somewhere nice, because you’re creating the ultimate date, but not too contrived. I would recommend somewhere like Iron Hill. Classy, worth being jealous over, but it isn’t too intensely romantic. So casually tell your roommates where you’re going on this fabulous date, maybe even happen to be trying on some sexy date outfits when they come home.
This little affair needs to end at some point, because hopefully you do intend on eventually finding a great guy to have a real relationship with. That being said, when you two “break up” make sure you end up looking like the victim. Write a few posts on his wall that he won’t reply to and tell your friends that he just started ignoring you. That way, you can take advantage of your friends even more by getting their sympathy and more attention. But maybe there’s an even better ending to this genius scheme. Maybe, by faking this relationship you and the pretend boyfriend might even hit it off in real life and you could actually get some this Valentine’s Day. Either way you’ll still look awesome and it’ll definitely be more exciting than another girl’s night.