How to Escape the Dreaded Friend Zone
- Written by Gwen
- August 6, 2012
There is no feeling worse than being “just friends” with the love of your life.
You’re the one who does all the relationship-y things like pick them up from the airport, hold their hair after a jungle juice binge, and paint their toenails hopscotch pink.
Except, at the end of the day, instead of tumbling into bed with your best friend, you flip through their entire Facebook photo collection and cry into your Fleshlight.
There is only one certainty in the friendzone: she or he would be happier with you.
She’s dating a jerk. Sure, he may have better abs than you, and make more money. But he’s an asshole. She said it herself that he refuses to join her Sex and the City marathons. Meanwhile, you’ve sat through so many of those episodes, you think a coffee shop conversation is strange if it doesn’t involve in-depth discussions about the elusive g-spot.
You’ve been in the friendzone for far too long. It’s time to bust out of there like your best friend in that shirt you can’t stare at because you’re just friends.
First things first, warm her up with a Facebook post just for her. Sometimes, you can’t exactly put how you feel about your bestfriend-zoner into words. You need something that says: “If I were your boyfriend, I’d respect you so hard that your self-esteem wouldn’t walk right for weeks.”
Thankfully, we have musicians to assist those who aren’t creative enough to express their love beyond hitting her with a straw wrapper during a “friend date.” Find the deepest lyrics that perfectly describe your frustrated passion and update your status. If you’re feeling particularly suave, tag your best friend in the post. All it will take is a glance at Taylor Swift’s lyrics for her to realize that the only thing that sucks worse than that song is being in a relationship without you.
If he or she is a little apprehensive about your mysterious online lyric dedications, don’t worry. That was just the first step. In order to drive your point home, you must prove your honesty, that you’re genuine to the core. It’s a well-known fact that nothing is more honest than the drunk text. Select your (preferably liquor-based) drink of choice and go out with your friends. Continue drinking until your brain screams, “You know what? I’m gonna do it! I’m gonna tell her!”
Get out your phone and start moving those thumbs. Explain in detail every moment you’ve wanted to kiss her but nobly restrained. Tell her that no matter how many inside jokes you two share, she’s the only joke that you want to be inside.Your rum-soaked, midnight confession will melt her heart right into her panties.
Now that you’ve set up the emotional poolrack, it’s time to hit it so that your balls fall right into her pocket. Tell her your true feelings. Then,demand that she offer up a similar soul offering to solidify your bond. Make it clear that if she refuses, your friendship will end faster than the Occupy movement.
If romantic comedies have taught us anything, it’s that nothing says “true love” like a good, old-fashioned ultimatum. Unlike you (the romantic, misunderstood, deep, dreamer), some people don’t understand the difference between love and indigestion. The ultimatum forces her to choose between admitting her undying love and vomiting. Once she realizes that pain in her chest was much more than gas, you can begin your relationship anew as the happiest, most compatible couple ever.
Finally, if none of these tips work, it is a sign that your best friend is a giant bitch. You really dodged a bullet there. Post a passive-aggressive Facebook status about being done with game-players and heart breakers. Bonus points if you end it with “I guess it’s true what they say, nice guys really do finish last.” That’ll show ‘em.