How to fail out of Western Michigan University


Let’s be honest here, Western Michigan University is not the most difficult school to get accepted into, but once you’re here difficulty begins. You must master the art of keg stands, practice the competitive game of beer pong, and memorize the surrounding 5 miles so you know how to get home no matter where you wake up. Oh yeah and then there’s school…


In the beginning of the school year we are all handed a repetitive syllabus that says the same shit for every class. We all get that cheating will get us kicked out; we can’t miss class unless we’ve died, participation is worth like, 80% of our final grade, and no late work will be accepted even if we’ve been hit by a car walking to class.  Teachers also babble for the first day on ways not to fail their class. Again, we all know how not to fail so I’ve come up with my own “how to” list on failing out of Western Michigan.  DO NOT FOLLOW THIS LIST, I REPEAT FOLLOWING THIS LIST WILL LEAD TO YOU HAVING TO TRANSFER TO CENTRAL MICHIGAN UNIVERSITY OR GOING HOME TO COMMUNITY COLLEGE and no one wants that…


Never go to class:  Oh, you have a 9AM class 4 days a week? But you went out last night, stayed up until 5AM and now you’re too tired to go! Poor baby, life is so tough for college kids. Get real, as long as you’re willing to paint by the numbers—show up to class, act like you give a shit and hand in everything on time, no matter how half-assed it may be—you’re going to pass most classes at WMU. If you choose to sleep all day, every day, you’re going to be doing the same thing in a couple of years, only under an overpass, in the Detriot ghetto.


Turn into an alcoholic: If you say you don’t drink in college you’re either as big of a liar as Casey Anthony or you have a non-existent social life. Drinking during the week is acceptable for holidays, birthdays, and after you finish your term paper. It’s when you drink on every day that ends in ‘y’ that it becomes a problem. No one is going to mock the guy who put down the bottle to pick up the pen, especially if it means he gets to stay in college.


Become butt buddies with Mary Jane: Many individuals enjoy a nice glass pipe filled with their very good friend Mary Jane. Many individuals also enjoy her company a little more than they should if they want to be productive.Usually when you hang out with this nice lady you’re lazy, hungry, and she makes everything a lot funnier than it really is. All of that is fun, except the lazy part. My suggestion for you is getting your shit done then go out on a date with your favorite girl.


Always on Facebook, never on GoWMU: This one is simple. People on TV (A very reputable source of information) have actually said Facebook is almost as addicting as crack, and crack is pretty damn addicting, ask any of the homeless people roaming Kalamazoo.  Stop stalking your ex-boyfriend’s page and looking through pictures of girls from your high school that got fat. Instead, check GoWMU every once in a while, c’mon guys, it’s not that hard! 


We’re all here to have a good time, but I don’t think mommy and daddy will be too happy when they find out all of the money their spending is going to beers, blunts, and bitches.


Live by the Bronco motto, study hard, work hard, party harder. 


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