How to Get Anyone to STFU: Advice from a Communication Major

• Article by Gwen
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• April 13, 2012
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• Virginia Tech

We get it. If any group has a chance to be voted “most likely to need the safety scissors,” it’s communication majors. Of course, we don’t exactly help our image. While engineers are slaving away building renewable, solar-powered, whatevarrr, comm students are playing pretend reporter on the Drillfield and learning how to be a more effective tweeter.  

While you’re busy not having fun, we’re spending an entire class dissecting one word and determining how it is more powerful or persuasive than another. We are taught how to sway a group’s opinions and emotions. In fact, the reason we often sound like idiots is because we have been taught to speak and write in a way that most Americans will relate to. 

So what does this mean for you? Well, you can use some of the tactics we have to make the annoying people in your life less annoying. Comm majors learn to use the power of words to do anything, even make someone else stop talking. Let’s look at a few problem people, and how to make them STFU. 

Parents: Is your mom always asking why you’re writing hilarious articles about spring break instead of beginning a serious career at the super-prestigious campus newspaper? Rename your activities to appeal to her goals. The U.S. utilized this tactic when they changed the name of “The War on Iraq” to “The War on Terror.” No one can argue against a war on terror without seeming to sympathize with the terrorists. Likewise, if you change your “request for booze money” to “request for funds to network with peers and potential coworkers,” it’s hard to argue against you. Just follow that old Army slogan: If it works for America, it will work on your mom.

Girlfriend: Sure, she’s hot, but she’d be a lot hotter if she came with a remote to control her volume. While that technology is only available in China, you can turn her down by turning the music up. Music can change moods, thoughts, and even opinions. Put on that song that she always sings along to. You’ll get brownie points for remembering her favorite song, plus you don’t have to act like you’re listening anymore. Even Rihanna grunting, “ellaellaellaehhhehh” like a broken record with Down’s Syndrome is better than hearing about your girlfriend’s best friend’s dramatic breakup one more time. 

Professor: This lecture is totally bringing down your buzz, but class doesn’t end for another half hour. How do you get your professor to STFU? Answer your phone in class. Seriously. Say something like, “Yeah, I can’t talk because I’m in the most boring class…evarrr.” Everyone will think you’re hilarious and wish they had the courage to be baller like you. The professor will respect you so much for standing up to him, he’ll give you an A for sure. 

That guy who answers his cell phone in class: Tranquilizer dart. It’s the only way. Team up with a vet school student and get that stuff they use for horse surgery. Oh, and don’t be that guy. 

See? We aren’t completely worthless. We shouldn’t be taking classes on how to identify edible food in dumpsters. We’re functional, maybe even capable, people! Next time you’re talking down to us, remember, we know what you’re really saying before you even say it.