How To Keep Your Stamina Up During A Week of Drinking
- Written by Ziev Beresh
- December 20, 2010
Stupid alcohol. I buy you, drink you, treat you like a princess, and what do you give me in return? An emptied stomach, mysterious bruises and jail time. I wish I could consume you without all the dirty consequences! Well folks now you can. The secret to avoiding the consequences of drinking? Stay drunk! So grab that 36 pack and a half-gal of gin, because here is a handy dandy guide to keep your stamina up for an entire week.
Eat: Probably the most important thing you can do. Especially carbohydrates like bread, cereal, and hot dog buns. These foods act like sponges, absorbing the alcohol, allowing you to continue consuming whatever booze you have your hands on. Also helps prevent that pesky condition known as alcohol poisoning, which has stopped many a weak-drinker from reaching their goal.
Sleep: Sleeping allows you to recharge your batteries, and due to alcohol’s potion-like effect of making you drowsy, consciously choosing a time to sleep will have much better results than falling asleep in the middle of a bout of drinking, also known as blacking out. Try to get some hours in between 6 A.M. and noon, these are the peak non-drinking times. You also have the possibility of getting drunk-dreams, which are awesome, or terrifying.
Accomplish Your To-Do List: When a few days have gone by and you start to not only lose your motivation, but also realize that your obligations are not being fulfilled, you may be driven to (gasp!) stop consuming. Taking care of your responsibilities not only allows you to continue drinking without guilt, but the feeling of accomplishment you get after completing said list further motivates you to consume.
Have A Bad Day: On purpose. Piss people off, piss yourself off, get fired, miss a test- it doesn’t really matter. As long as you feel shitty you’ll want to get your drink on. This also allows you to experience a rare facet of the spectrum of emotional drinking: sad-drunk. Although not on par with angry-drunk, and far below stupid-drunk, sad-drunk is nonetheless an unappreciated mood of drinking which can sometimes be strangely satisfying.
Peer Pressure: Surround yourself with people who will not only drink, but also encourage you to drink constantly. At Michigan State, or your hometown, finding these people should not be a problem. In fact, you’re probably already friends with them.
Break Up and then Get Back Together With Your S.O.: Baby, I can’t take this anymore! I think we should see other people. Actually wait, I can’t find any other people, please, take me back sweetheart! You’ll drink after the break-up, and you’ll drink after you get back together. Note: This sometimes backfires, but you’ll probably be even more motivated to drink after they refuse to take you back. Don’t forget your primary objective!
Do the Power Hour, 24/7: Self-explanatory. Just take a shot of whatever you’re drinking all day, every day, all week. An easy way to not only pace yourself, but also stay drunk at the same time.
Just like swimming all the time doesn’t make you Michael Phelps, drinking every day doesn’t necessarily make you like your failure of a father. As long as you stay safe, stay motivated, and don’t fail, staying drunk for a whole week is an impressive line to add to the unwritten resume of college.