How to Stay Skinny Without Dieting!


Opening magazines is not good for your social life. Here’s why: If you open a fashion magazine or a tabloid you are going to see stacks upon stacks of skinny bodies prancing around LA like it’s their job (even though it pretty much is). Seeing skinny people makes you hate yourself, which in turn will make you work out and eat healthier just to lose a couple pounds of flabby shame. But going grocery shopping and not picking up a jumbo box of Captain Crunch and actually going to the gym takes up a lot of valuable time that could be spent playing Mario Kart, day drinking in your underwear, or fondling your significant other. That’s why I’ve come up with a couple foolproof ways to stay Amy Winehouse thin (too soon?) without having to do any serious dieting or working out at a gym. Don’t listen to the nay-sayers, “Exercising and Eating Right” is as big a myth as the Loch Ness monster.


If you’re already disgusting and pudgy with a FUPA you have to start out really drastically, which pretty much means one thing: Detox. For two weeks straight, you should only drink this really great detox remedy I created in a friend’s MDMA lab. It consists of: Water, lemon, chili powder, two tablespoons of vodka, a packet of cheese powder from easy mac, thumb nails from your roommate, two drops of gypsy tears, a pubic hair, and two squeezes of milk straight from the tit of a cow. You can drink this stuff all day long if you want; it’s super “yum-yums,” all natural and very detoxifying.


After you lose 20-25 pounds of solid cankle fat from that detox, you’re going to want to start focusing on your abs and arms. Don’t go to the gym, though, it’s probably really far from your house and you probably lost your I-Card. Honestly that’s just way too much of a hassle!! The best way to burn off that belly fat is to do cocaine all day. You’ll never be hungry, you’ll obsessively clean your house, and you won’t ever give your body enough time to rest and let that gross fat settle in. I mean, it’s just like amped up Adderall, right?


Once you start to look pretty good, you’re going to have to maintain your skinny image and also come up with some really good excuses for how you got so incredibly good looking so incredibly soon. To stay fit you can have sex with your pledge husband for a few hours a week or go squirrel hunting on the South Quad. When someone asks how you got so adorable, all you have to say is: “Jillian Michaels is a genius!” or “Thanks! I’ve stopped eating drunk food” or even better “OMG what!? I haven’t lost any weight. Are you trying to say I used to be fat!?” People are mostly dumb, so they’ll probably believe you when you say you’re not a drug addict but just addicted to a runner’s high. The only downside to the last one is that you have to go through your Facebook and delete all your old fatty profile pictures.


And that’s pretty much all it takes! To sum it up, you need to consume food only in liquid form, do a ton of cocaine, and have sex with a lot of people to maintain your figure. I like to call it the Lohan diet. It really couldn’t be simpler, so do it to it, fatty, you could be skinny in a short time if you follow this amazing plan!


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