How to Successfully Fool's Fest
- Article by Hershel Krustofsky
- March 24, 2011
Whether or not you go to Illinois State University, you’ve undoubtedly heard of our feeble attempt at recollecting something that is ordinarily left for better colleges: school drinking days. U of I has Unofficial, and some other school has something else. I don’t really know because I don’t drink, but I do understand the attraction to the event. It’s a social gathering in which people get drunk and have drunk sloppy sex. Sound attractive? You bet it does.
Okay so let’s start with why ISU should have a festival like this. For one thing, it promotes school spirit. Or at least that’s the thinking. Yes, when you see the aftermath of our Fools Fest, you’ll see the vomit stained shirts with Reggie the Redbird crying out helplessly, “GO TEAM!” You’ll see the thousands upon thousands of RED plastic cups purchased at ISU’s famous CVS drugstore scattered amongst the once beautiful quad. It would be a great photo opportunity, but other than that, it just spells out school spirit. The entrepreneurs who created the event want nothing more than to celebrate our glorious victory (not plural) against Bradley. I’m not against school spirit, and neither should you. So get over there and help me keg stand.
Secondly, yes, our president knows about Fool’s Fest. I don’t blame him for being scared. He doesn’t want to get vomit on his newly built rock climbing wall. They have enforced tighter security on the weekend of Fool’s Fest, and not even your grandmother will be able to come visit you that weekend to give you your weekly embarrassing kiss in front of thousands walking on the quad. So you should be aware that if you have booze or a visiting grandma, you will get busted. Just trying to warn you before you go write some unintelligible facebook status like, “DUDE WTF GETTN DRUNK IS PART OF A COLLEGE KIDS BALANCED BREAKFAST.”
Let’s not forget about the chance to meet people this weekend. If creeping on random people on Facebook isn’t doing it for you, you should go to a party during Fool’s Fest. You’ll meet 20 girls, all completely hammered who will call you Billy and pet your hair until you blush. If this interests you, which it should, go out this weekend. Don’t forget to buy a dumbass basketball jersey from the L.A. Lakers or the always ironic Carlos Boozer jersey from the Chicago Bulls. The classic drunk always knows how to dress to reflect his inner self.
A few words about miniskirts. FUCK YES. Nothing says classy like a drunken girl with her JC Penny underwear showing. Make sure to take notice of the brand. Victoria’s Secret girls always have the best vodka. Kohl’s girls know how to party. Underwear from Wal-Mart almost typically means you should wear a gas mask before entering. These signs will help you prepare for the night of your life, and you will thank me for it later.
So whenever your class gets out on Thursday, because only complete fucking dumbasses have classes on Friday, you should head on down to one of ISU’s iconic liquor stores known for only providing the absolute best in shit-facing material, and purchase a bottle, no, a keg, no, 40 kegs of their finest regrettable liquid.
And lastly, a note about hipsters. Take your Pabst Blue Ribbon to some ironic theater in uptown normal and shotgun it there. This is the real world, and we wash our teeth with Guinness. I guarantee you someone will be sent to the hospital for coming to a party with PBR.
On a personal note: Don’t drink, drive, and text. Doing any two combined is probably not a good idea either. Have fun and get DTF!