Kimye: The Second Coming of Christ

 

In this golden age of Twitterland, duckface selfies, and celebrity sex tapes  a great prophet named TMZ has brought us a message: the less-than-virgin Mary, Kim Kardashian, is bearing the fruit of the tender loins of our God here on Earth, Kanye West. Now, just like Jesus Escobar Christ, a threesome of wise-ish men bearing exotic gifts of twelve-hundred thread count crib sheets, onesies made from endangered rhinos, and diapers crafted from surviving parts of the original Magna Carta will surround Kim’s famous cooter to greet the child that is soon to be likely named something like “Gucci ChristFlow Mercedes #KimYe North By North West.” With the Second Coming coming soon, Judgment Day appears to be nigh. It’s important to examine the prophetic ways in which Kim-Ye will follow in the footsteps of the Christian tradition so that our non-believing, fornicating, and alcoholic souls might be saved from eternal damnation. 

 

We can’t altogether rule out the Shyamalan-twist of Kim’s fetus actually being the offspring of Kris Humphries and coming out looking like a mentally challenged sea monkey.  However, let’s Edward Norton it and keep the faith that this is the Second Coming we’ve been waiting the last two thousand years for. We will put our trust in the higher power of hard-hitting celebrity news and believe that KimYe will restore faith in our hearts and souls through miracles of fashion, music, and fame, and have the world once more witness water being turned into Kardashian money and Kanye again assuming the position as God Almighty. 

 

Much like Jesus surrounding himself with prostitutes so that they might repent and face salvation, the divine powers have recognized the tragic lot that is the Kardashian Klan. By emerging from Kim’s treacherous vaginal cavity, KimYe will redeem her porn star mother’s soul to the ranks of sainthood, while spreading the good word and saving the souls of the Kollagen and Khlamydia-riddled Kris, Kourtney, and Khloe. 

 

The prophecies tell us KimYe will follow in her father’s tradition of dropping beats on the regular that warn against gold diggin’ hoes, heartless harlots, and political leaders that don’t care about black people. These lessons will draw comparisons to the parables of Jesus and will result in a new ideology based on KimYe’s teaching, gossip, and tweets. As KimYe’s following becomes larger in number, mass hysteria will ensue and, like the Jews had it out for Jesus, the Christians will rise up and revolt against one of their own. Akin to Pontius Pilate, the Pope will condemn the combo-breaking black female that is the Second Coming. Unlike Pontius Pilate, the Pope will broadcast his message over his strictly-dick-joke-free Twitter account.

 

Just as Mary gathered to watch with the other Jewish mothers, the prophecy speculates the day will come when Kim will gather with fellow celebutante mothers, Snooki and the cast of 16 and Preggers, as people in moral places shun her post-Humphries immaculate concoction. In stunned silence, the world will watch as KimYe takes one for Team Earth and steps out of the spotlight and into the afterlife at the behest of religious world leaders everywhere. However, three days later KimYe will return, floating like a ghost to resurrect her rap/acting/producing/reality career at the Kardashian mansion - which will then be overrun by prostitutes, washed-up magicians, and dog fight promoters.

 

With the inability for the Second Coming to end any worse than the first, the world evaporates in the glow of Kardashian Kollection: True Reflection, Eau de Toilette. From there KimYe proclaims, “Fuck it, I buy my way to heaven anyway.”

 

 
 
 
 
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