Leave Me Alone!

• Article by Nick Schug
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• May 18, 2012
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• Delaware

Finals are coming, and you need to study. Well, maybe you don’t care about studying, but you still need to maintain some semblance of sanity throughout this last week of school. You just want a quiet campus where you can relax, think, eat and sleep. In short, people need to leave you the hell alone.

Unless you really need to, avoid the Morris Library during finals season, as it becomes a gaping hellmouth of human desperation. If you must go, be prepared. Bring the loudest snacks you can to repel all the people sitting near you. Loudly eat one chip every ten seconds until those around you can’t take it anymore. They’ll leave. You’ll win.

If all study tables are taken, pick one at random and tell its occupants that you applaud their bravery. When they ask why, tell them that they are using the “haunted table”, where a witch was murdered 300 years ago. Next, hide behind some bookcases and make ghost noises until they get scared and run out the library screaming like crazy people, never to be seen again. Don’t let them see you making the ghost noises though, because then you’ll just be some dick making ghost noises behind a bookcase.

It’s easy to become distracted by social opportunities when you should be focused on your studies. Don’t allow your friends to lead you away from your responsibilities. From now until your finals are over, do an extremely loud impression of Regis Philbin whenever you have to talk to ensure that no one will bother you. If you can’t do a Regis Philbin impression, simply shave off your eyebrows, breathe exclusively out of your mouth for the next three weeks, and constantly talk about the benefits of sleeping standing up.

Keeping yourself well-rested is one of the most important parts of finals. Walking is the worst (what are we, animals?) so you’ll want to take the bus more often, and seating can be scarce. The best way to combat this is to remove your shoes and carry them lovingly while loudly referring to them as “my babies”. Seats will open up for you pretty quickly. Another more cryptic tactic is to get on the bus and start counting the number of other passengers out loud. Any normal person will be sufficiently creeped out and they will get off at the Smith Overpass.

Other students are having a tough time too, so it would be nice if you did something for them. A few days before finals make brownies for your neighbors, and go door-to-door to deliver them. They’ll think, “Wow, that was really nice of him. I guess people can be okay sometimes.” After all, the quietest neighbors are the happiest neighbors, right? Wrong. You’ve spiked the brownies with NyQuil. Enough NyQuil to bring down a rhinoceros. Now you’ve got 6 hours of complete silence to get your work done. Just be gone by morning, as the Newark police will be well on their way.

If you follow this guide to the letter, you’ll be left alone. You might go to jail, or be ostracized from society for the rest of your time at Delaware but hey, you can’t make life’s lemonade without breaking a few eggs, right? Finals are the worst, and we all know it, but they’re not the end of the world. If things seem bleak, simply keep reminding yourself that everything will be okay. After all, you’re just a college student. You could be fighting to the death in an underground kickboxing syndicate in Thailand, which seems like it would be tougher than General Chemistry.