Madison's New Snuggle House

 

Lonely? Missing family? Stressed about midterms? Well, have we got the answer for you. On October 15, Madison became home to its very own “snuggle house.”¯ And no, this is not a new creepy children’s show; it’s a place where “snugglees”¯ can experience the proven benefits of touch therapy. With five official “snugglers”¯ (WHO ARE NOT PROSTITUTES), The Snuggle House gives each client a choice between a single snuggle session, which costs $60 per hour, and for the especially needy, a double snuggle that costs $110 per hour. Despite sounding like the name of a Dr. Seuss book, a double snuggle merely involves being snuggled by two snugglers at once.

The Snuggle House has finally made it economical to get your snuggle on. The Snuggery has 45, 60, and 90 minute sessions, in addition to a $425 overnight session. With luck, the Madison Snuggle House will take the hint and begin to offer five- and ten-minute “on-the-go”¯ sessions for the lonely but very busy (or for the lonely but very poor). Regardless of the session time, it appears to be a much cheaper option than drinking vodka tonics and waiting for the right person for the equivalent amount of time at a bar, and that’s without any guarantee of a snuggle.

snuggle house

The Snuggle House is completely understanding of erections, and has finally provided a public place where it’s okay to have one. According to The Snuggery website FAQ, sexual arousal is “perfectly normal”¯ during snuggling sessions “and should not make anyone feel uncomfortable.”¯

If you're not entirely creeped out yet, watch this video. 

“Anyone”¯ meaning… don’t be alarmed if a snuggler gets too comfy with you? Or does it mean snugglers just ignore snuglee’s boners all day? Most of the professional snugglers listed are female, but there is one male snuggler who must have Jedi-like mind control over the bloodflow to his genitalia unlike any frat boy who's stuck his #2 pencil in your back every other hour throughout the night. 

Intrigued? Interested in paying to be snuggled? Well, becoming a client at The Snuggle House isn’t as simple as going on craigslist like a serial killer. No, The Snuggle House is classy. They have standards. They like to be wined and dined before a snuggle session — you can’t just drunkenly text them in the middle of the night with an “i‘m col.d ;)”¯. In other words, potential clients must go through an “approval process.”¯ We can only assume this involves answering the following questions: 1) Rate your desperation for physical contact with another human being on a scale of 8-10, 2) How many restraining orders do you have against you? and 3) Do you wear deodorant and underwear? (Tip: answer yes to this one). So single people, take a shower, disentangle yourself from your body pillow, and register now! 

UPDATE!

As of October 17th, the professional snugglers were out on campus offering up free hugs. Talk about free samples! (Now if you walk away from a hug with an erection, you should know snuggling might be a little too much for you to handle.)

 

 

 
 
 
 
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