Main Street After Hours

• Article by Brittany Barkes
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• February 27, 2012
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• Delaware

It’s 1:15 a.m. on a Thursday - well technically Friday morning - and you have found yourself wandering down Main Street. Normally you only roam the street during daylight, but you find yourself drawn to the interesting people you meet on your walk from Kate’s to your house. While Delaware may have no sales tax, it is unfortunately a state that closes bars way too early, forcing young individuals to cause trouble in the early hours of the night. While there is no way of ending this injustice, at least you’ll meet some interesting folks. Here’s who you’ll meet during your trek back to your home. Keep in mind, you might find yourself on this list.

The Sports Fan: It’s no surprise that sports lovers from across campus gather in Grotto, or pretty much anywhere that has cheap beer and multiple HD televisions, to watch “the big game.” No matter the sport, there must always be a loser and a winner. Those happy about a win tend to travel in groups, screaming nonsense in slurred words, in between burping up chicken wings and Bud Light. Use caution when approaching these groups (often large daged since noon), as they have enough adrenaline to topple a trashcan, steal a sign and tackle an innocent bystander. A sports fan suffering from a heartbreaking loss (hello, Joe Flacco fans) may exhibit rage or man tears. Either way, they are dangerous people who might be found alone in the alleyway, punching walls and yelling to the Gods.

The Underage Hot Mess: This girl often sits alone in an IHOP booth in tears, but don’t let her sad raccoon eyes trick you into doing her any favors. She came back to school with her cousin’s ID, thinking she could take on the town.As soon as she waited in the Rooney’s line, her piece of plastic hope was confiscated. When you find her, she won’t even know who she is anymore. You might hear her repeating an address, mumbling her zodiac sign and calling out, “but I’m wearing contacts to make my eyes brown.”  Though you may want to help her solve her identity crisis, it’s best to let her rediscover herself as the poor girl who is the last of her friends to turn 21.  You will see her a few weeks later as …

The Birthday Bitch: Your 21st birthday—a night you’ll always remember…false. But really, this is the one night of a person’s life where their friends will actually try and kill them by drowning them in liquor. Beware, the birthday bitch travels in sharp heels and has 14 shot glass necklaces tangled all over her body. She also has a stupid sash that can be used to strangle those who don’t recognize that it is her special day. Once the bars close, she won’t know how to get home, and she will “WOOOOO” all the way to the closest trashcan where she will then proceed to vomit. If you must interact, kindly wish her a happy birthday and move on. The male version, though not as easy to distinguish, is equally dangerous after his friends embarrassed him by purchasing him an unhealthy amount of blowjob shots. Oh, the irony.

The Criminals: Judging by the influx of UD alert texts, the campus is full of creepy people who lurk the streets all night long. You will know who they are because you have the very specific description of the culprit saved in your text inbox, on your email and in your voicemail. Stay away from people carrying guns, knives and broken beer bottles. Avoid approaching people in cars that are white, black, yellow, or brown, especially if the driver offers you “magic potion.”

The Girl who Screams Murder: This girl is sort of a combination of the birthday bitch and the hot mess because she’s loud and obnoxious but really has no excuse. You will hear her from any location, even if you wear noise-cancelling headphones. While you might want to pick up a phone and call 911, realize that she is only yelling because her boyfriend broke up with her, she thought her boyfriend broke up with her or her boyfriend made a joke about breaking up with her. Don’t go near her because eventually her vocal chords will give out, or she will be arrested for some sort of noise violation. 

Lost Man: There are two kinds of lost men that can be found on campus—the ones who are so intoxicated that they don’t know where they live and the ones that are from out of town. Either way, they may offer you gifts in the form of pizza crust, questionable pills and Jose Cuervo, if you give them a place to crash for the night. Do not, under any circumstances, accept this offer, even if they seem desperate and sad, because they will inevitably vomit all over your futon, rob you of your N64 and sneak out without even a hug goodbye. Instead, send them to DP Dough - the perfect buffer zone - to keep you uninvolved and them with a satisfied stomach.

The Inappropriate Hookup: You’ve seen it before—just as the clock strikes 1 and the bouncer forces these lip-locked soul mates to evacuate the dance floor, these two strangers (who fatefully met during a hot and heavy “We Found Love” grind session) will need to take their business out to the streets. While you may find it adorable, recognize that these jerks are the reason you can’t get where you need to go, especially when they strategically walk in diagonal paths in some sort of Siamese twin blob that you cannot pass. Kindly tell them to get a room and warn them of the dangers of finding their “romantic moment” posted on all forms of social media in the morning in Instagram fashion. 

There you have it, 7 more reasons you should use caution when leaving your house. Also, beware of the late night vampires, werewolves and skunks. But, if you must interact with the latter, don’t forget to bathe in some borscht.