Male Student Sues Drew’s Pizza for Sexual Discrimination

 

Last week’s publicity stunt gone awry left a poor taste in the mouths of some of the University of Illinois’ female student population that not even free pizza could reconcile. However, it wasn’t just the question of public exposure for women that was caught in the crossfire of Drew’s Pizza’s “tits for toppings” promotion. Illini senior and reasonably husky Thomas Herring has filed a lawsuit against the mediocre pizzeria on the grounds that, “after standing in front of the restaurant for six straight hours exposing [his] bountiful man-breasts,” he did not receive a free pizza.

Herring filed for sex-based discrimination immediately after Drew’s called off the promotion and subsequently deleted their incriminating tweets. In contemptuous rage, Herring screamed at the then-petrified night staff as they listened in horror to accusations of “bigotry,” “discrimination” and “hate crimes against men.” Herring then successfully unbolted a Daily Illini dispenser filled with unread editions and hurled the worth of months-upon-months of failed attempts at journalism, shattering the entrance to the pizzeria. Illini Media has since been billed for the property damages and is tentatively expected to pay off the debt when Hell freezes over.

“They really just know how to make a guy feel like shit,” complained Herring while protesting Drew’s purported misandry. “It’s awful coming to the realization that we live in a world where a man’s breasts are deemed ‘unacceptable’ or ‘inferior’ to a woman’s. With how far we’ve come as a society … I’m sorry, but that’s fucked up.

Friends commented saying that as soon as he heard about the promotion over Twitter, the hungry Herring rushed four blocks down to Green Street, planted himself in front of Drew’s, struggled to remove his sweat-drenched shirt from his sticky torso, and gyrated his hips like a shy escort’s first day on the job. In hopes that he was giving those “sexist, pizza-making pigs” what they wanted, Herring’s breasts reportedly jiggled to-and-fro similar to an uncomfortable high school freshman who didn’t understand the logistics of grinding. When the staff working in charge of phone orders nervously attempted to avert his gaze, Herring began tenderly massaging his nipples while shouting “What more do you want?!” The staff then engaged in a standard, high threat-level lockdown of the building, fearing for their lives. 

“The malice in his eyes was something unlike I’ve ever seen,” reported an anonymous Drew’s worker on Herring’s sexually-aggravated gaze. “I mean, we pissed off a lot of girls walking by the place, which we figured, whatever, ‘tits or GTFO,’ right? We just wrongly assumed that it was okay to discriminate who’s entitled to a free pizza solely based on gender, I guess. I tried talking with my manager about the promotion’s social implications, but he normally just keeps himself locked up in the back room all night and emerges, noticeably disoriented, only to he reveal the next big Drew’s Pizza marketing scheme.” 

The pizzeria’s esteemed advertising campaigns have also included last semester’s “420” promotions such as radio commercials featuring two poorly-portrayed stoners talking about pizza for two whole minutes. The campaign went down in history as the moment when Champaign-Urbana’s collective sphincter clenched due to sheer cringe-worthiness.  

Herring has since become an outspoken activist against what he considers “the single worst blow that has been dealt upon men’s rights and [his] late-night appetite.” Herring has gone on to argue through the press that “the way a man’s chest compares to a woman’s should not be judged subjectively” and that he “stands by [his] female cohorts who also clearly see the men-loathing intentions of Drew’s actions.” The latter statement is often reciprocated by a quizzical raising-of-the-eye and a “you can’t be serious”-toned dropping-of-the-jaw.

Herring’s attorney had very little to say on his client’s case, mostly focusing upon his demanding of fifty-thousand dollars in what Herring described as “emotional” damages, and the promised free pizza.

“I, uh … I really don’t know what to tell the kid,” Herring’s attorney admitted in a conversation that was promised to be off the record. “From what he’s told me, he can actually be sued for public indecency for both suggestively grabbing his chest region and rubbing a nearby lamppost with his bare genitals. The pizzeria in question looks like crematorium whose interior designer just gave up and called it ‘minimalism,’ so I don’t think they have the kind of money to cover his ‘damages.’ I might be able to help him win over the pizza, but I feel like my client’s going to take it hard when he finds out it tastes just like One World.”

 

 
 
 
 
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