Marry One, Fuck One, Kill One: Big 10 Mascot Edition


Alright, so here’s the thing—when it comes to Big 10 Mascots, Bucky Badger’s do-ability is way superior to all the others. The sweater, the way his head just magically attaches to his body without the need for a neck, the way he reminds us that ESFU actually stands for Every Student Fan United and nothing else—come on, the guy, the animal, or the guy in the animal costume, is just a straight up stud muffin, and no other mascot stands a chance. Therefore, he will be left out of the classic, family-friendly game of “Marry One, Fuck One, Kill One”. All those other Big 10 mascots, however, are fair game, so here we go.

ROUND 1: Chief Illiniwek of Univerisity of Illinois, Purdue Pete of Purdue University, or The Nittany Lion of Penn State University


Marry: Chief Illiniwek The fucker can dance. Though it’s neither authentic, nor politically correct, he’s got the moves like Jagger, or the Native American equivalent to him. What an awesome wedding too, complete with a reception at the local casino.

Fuck: The Nittany Lion Jokes about Penn State are too easy and too offensive. Therefore, we’re just going to leave it at the Nittany Lion gets fucked this round.

Kill: Purdue Pete Oh my GAWD Purdue Pete is an ugly bastard. It’s really quite sad. His head is obnoxiously large, and this was determined after comparing him to other mascots. With a head that’s so disproportionate, he looks like Jimmy Neutron’s cousin that no one really cares about. BRAIN BLAST! Time to die, Pete.

ROUND 2: Sparty of Michigan State University, Goldy Gopher of The University of Minnesota, or Hoosier of Indiana University 


Marry: Goldy Gopher He makes the most sense to marry, but only so there are more opportunities to murder him. Really, does any woodland creature with teeth that fucked up deserve to breathe anymore?

Fuck: Sparty Spartan One should be a little leery about this one though. Honestly, he wouldn’t be any good in bed. He’d call it a touchdown when it’s actually not, or say his time’s up when really there’s still, like, a second left on his partner’s clock.

Kill: Hoosier What is your mascot even supposed to be? And besides, since he/she/it’s from Indiana there’s an amazing chance no one else will notice they’re gone.

ROUND 3: Wolverine of The University of Michigan, Herky the Hawkeye of University of Iowa, or Willie the Wildcat of Northwestern University


Marry: Herky the Hawkeye You could always be sure he’s bringing food to the table—have you seen how much corn is in Iowa? He also has the Midwest charm, so there are not too many exciting stories to share, but there’s the promise of consistent, quiet sex. If you had to settle on a husband, Herky is your safest bet.

Fuck: Willie the Wildcat His large smile would make you feel like he’s thoroughly enjoying himself the whole time. And “wild” is in his name…can you imagine how that night would be? Generally speaking, Northwestern is kind of the forgotten smart one in the Big 10—but in this round, Willie’s welcome to show us a night we won’t forget.

Kill: Wolverine Sweet name. Where’d you get that? Oh, you just dropped the “s” from your school mascot, The Wolverines? Cool story. It’s so original. DIE.

For the last round, we decided that the creepy little bastard Little Red from Nebraska University and Brutus Buckeye from Ohio State are just horrible creatures that the world could live without. Since no one can bring themselves to marry or fuck either of them, they’ll just both have to be killed this round.



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