Meet Frolf Wiggum
- Written by Alex Dim
- May 14, 2012
World-class frisbee golf athlete Charles “Frolf Wiggum” Johnson was eagerly anticipating his first night out on the town after winning the coveted “Golden Disc,” an award given to the best frisbee golf player in Division I collegiate athletics. Unfortunately, the night did not live up to his expectations, and The Black Sheep has the exclusive story.
Being the first University of Illinois student to win the award in the two years of its existence, Johnson was cited as feeling excited, accomplished, and, “Totally ready to get [his] dick wet.” His confidence and narcissism lit up the room; it looked as though nothing would ruin this champion’s night. It only took a few minutes, though, for things to take a devastating turn.
According to onlookers, Johnson was turned away within seconds of approaching a group of girls at Red Lion. When questioned later, the girls were openly disgusted by his approach. “He immediately started making small talk and inappropriate jokes about Poop Girl. I thought that was pretty shitty of him. That poor girl couldn’t help it,” said the one with large breasts. “He smelled like a farm,” said the slightly-too-tall one. “What’s frisbee golf?” asked the short, chubby one who smelled like a farm herself.
Girls reportedly ignored Johnson all night in favor of another athlete who was stealing the spotlight: Illinois’ star basketball player Meyers Leonard. An anonymous source saw Meyers reeling in unsuspecting sorostitues by bragging about the men’s basketball squad “almost” making the NCAA tournament and “just barely” finishing with a winning record. These statements were apparently greeted by sighs, wide eyes, and weak knees. Leonard also reportedly started a nude riot/orgy when he brought up his NBA draft stock. The moans could be heard as far away as Lincoln Avenue.
In a pathetic attempt to mimic the suave conversation style of Leonard, Johnson reportedly used his potential professional career as a frisbee golfer as bait. “You know, if I get drafted and get off of my rookie contract, I could be making as much as $15,000 a year in Zig-Zag rolling papers.” (All professional frisbee golf leagues are sponsored by the cannabis paraphernalia industry). Chubby farm girl remained unimpressed.
These failed attempts were the first in a long line of rejections for Johnson who, just last summer, decided to finally ignore his mother’s advice of “just being himself.” He rejected it in favor of pursuing fame through the world of recreational sports and cargo shorts, a strategy that the latest issue of Cosmo has deemed “nearly as effective as wealth and good looks.” Realizing that most collegiate sports are actually competitive, he decided to pursue a career in frisbee golf, so as not to harm what he thought was a “pretty face.”
“When I first stepped foot on the field, I knew it was for me. I had finally found my calling and never before have I felt so confident.” When asked what initially drew him to the sport, Johnson is candid with his response. “If I can find a sport that doesn’t require too much intelligence or physical conditioning, it’s kind of hard to pass up. Plus, I know that the ladies are really into jersey-chasing these days.” Johnson is also routinely found bragging to the only member of the media that covers frisbee golf (me), stating that he is clearly the tannest of the all-white competitors, another feature that he believes will be his golden ticket into the pants of an attractive female fan.
Those interested in learning more about Charles “Frolf Waldo Emerson” Johnson should look for his cover shoot in this month’s edition of Frisbee Golf Monthly (written, edited, printed and shipped all by me), where a seductive centerfold is included, highlighting Johnson’s mammoth wrists, pasty white thighs, and abnormally large (photoshopped) testicles. Also included in this month’s edition is a twenty-page report from the United States government on why a rising suicide rate amongst frisbee golf players coincides with stricter open alcohol container laws. On newsstands now!