Monogamy: Is There Such a Thing?
- Written by Ta Trammell
- June 26, 2012
Close your eyes and think back to a time where there were no social networking sites. I know it’s hard, but really try. Think of a time where the first step to dating someone was ripping off a piece of that wide-ruled, loose-leaf paper and writing in your best handwriting; “Do you like me? Check yes or no.” The second step was long nights talking on your house phone while your parents were asleep, hoping your folks wouldn’t pick up just as you said “boob” or “wiener” to your beau for the first time. The third and final step was actually spending quality time with that person, even if that quality time was supervised by your schizophrenic dad who sat between the two of you at the movies and stared violently at your date the whole time.
Well, why isn’t that cutesy-as-hell slow-time love around anymore? We’re all about answers at The Black Sheep, so let’s look at the dynamics of a relationship from then to now.
Back in the day Vanessa Virgin and Timmy Tightpants meet, talk, and fall in love. They remain married until they’re both wearing Depends and slurping Jell-O through a straw. He dies from black lung after working in a coal mine for forty years, and she whiles her days away single and alone, wondering why her granddaughter is so excited about her “awesome twatting” capabilities.
2012 is a different beast. Wendy Whatawhore and Steve Syphilis meet at an EDM show, they text, and end up having sex. If things go horribly wrong, maybe there's a little baby mama drama. She finds out on Twitter he’s cheating on her with her best friend Sally Slutmouth. He discovers the baby isn’t even his (on Maury) and they break up. Months later they see each other at a party, mess around, and eventually get back together, until they both realize they are dating people who are allergic to monogamy.
Well, why date in this day and age? Why take the time to get to know a person, break down their walls and make them fall for you if you’re just going to eventually cheat on them? Were our parents just drugged by the government to stay together and only have sex with each other? That must be the case!
Maybe it’s the temptation. The grass always looks greener on the other side, and when “side” becomes “sides” thanks to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouPorn and good ole’ fashioned voyeurism, well, that’s a lot of little green leaves. Today we really are allergic to monogamy. Sure, we just don’t physically break out into hives and go into anaphylactic shock, but our brains swell until we’re rabid with lust and a need to just whip out our sex organs and rub them on the nearest person. Our eyes start to wander and our minds get poisoned into falling in love with the stripper with the one leg and the bullet wound because she looks “interesting” and “exotic.”
So, how do we leave the one we fell madly in love with and go have sex with a friend or someone we barely know, and then go back like nothing happened? Maybe aliens came and destroyed everyone’s conscience. Maybe, like usual, it was Barack Obama’s fault. Until everyone is bitten by the monogamous love bug, I’ll just be in my chemistry lab with all of the ladies from Basketball Wives, Mob Wives and Love and Hip-Hop cooking up a cure.