My Unofficial Life

Article by Staff
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March 4, 2011
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I was ejected quickly and violently into this world on March 4^th, 2011. My father glimpsed over me with his friends with a proud look on his face, the first words entering my ears were "Bro, we just gotta get you back to the house." I was the remnants of a Georgetown sub, purchased from a local sandwich provider. My eyes were of shimmering Pabst Blue. Born outside an orange and blue tavern, across from what appeared to be an asylum for the mentally insane.

You see, when a man and his beer love each other very much, the man will place the can into his oral cavity where it will inject a liquid-like substance known as Lager. The Lager, containing little bubbles then passes the Uvula, and travels down the esophagus where it will be absorbed by the stomach lining. In 10 minutes, time, this mixture will grow and eventually give birth to yours truly, Sir Vomitus Esquire. Ah yes, it is rather nostalgic to think about when I was no more than a little bubble in my father's beer can.

This world was very bright and loud. The chatter amongst my creator and his friends was almost indistinguishable over the music and police sirens. All of a sudden, they had turned and left me there, just to sit in my own froth. I tried to follow as they walked away, but alas, I could not keep pace. I tried to open my mouth, tried to scream for him, but my voice was not there. I just had to stir in my own fluids and wonder why passersby wanted to avoid me so much. Was I something disgusting? Was I ugly? Everyone seemed so indifferent to me, so distant and avoidant.

It was very lonesome, you see, until I saw the girl who would give me the love of my life. This young woman stumbled out from the same sandwich eatery where I had been created. She was blonde, short, yet lanky. Her eyes seemed only focused upon where her next step would be. She tried to avoid me, with the one high heel she was wearing. Her sequined, green top glittered in the sun. This was when the most beautiful thing occurred to me. The girl leaned to the side, her body slammed into the wall. She doubled over as Cripple Creek ran from her lips, a sight to behold as the bacon, lettuce, and grilled chicken hit the street with such grace. Her friends came out and held her hair as she pushed, and the beauty that came out shined of glistening High Life.

The girl was just putting this lovely creation through the same process that I just experienced. My heart wrenched as my new love spoke to her mother, asking her not to leave. Her mother's friends pulled her mother up, and they walked off as quickly as they could. My love stared aghast at the sidewalk, while I figure out how to talk to her. She was quite gorgeous.

A police siren sounded as I decided to nut up and speak to her, I wasn't sure how she'd react. I sauntered up to her and dropped the smoothest pick up line this side of Keystone.

"Hey foxy," I said," What is that perfume you're wearing?" She giggled and looked at me with those Labatt Blues, and answered with that Irish Cream voice.

"Burnett's" She said, "Fruit punch."

I flashed her my Natural smile, lightly of course. What I said next was genius.

"Burnett's? That is, dare I say, intoxicating. What's your name?"

"Veruca." She answered.

"Vomitus, charmed." I stated, " What say you we mix things up?"

"Haha, sure." She placed her slop in mine. We slid slowly down the street, laughing as we saw more and more people walking around. A homeless man lay out on the street and birthed somebody who asked us for change. Some frat guys pushed each other around in an office chair, nearly running us over. Bands played. It was the best day of my life. Some younger looking kids lined up and were entering a giant white bus while men in blue held them. Veruca giggled, "I wonder where that bus is taking them?"

"Probably school or something." Yeah, I'm pretty awesome.

Everything was splendid, we were living the High Life on the street, until the wretched creature appeared. The creature leapt off the trashcan where it had been feeding. I leapt in front of Veruca before she knew what was going on.

"Vomitus, what is that?!" She screamed in alarm.

"I don't know, but stay behind me." I told her. I was shit-my-pants scared.

I kept my eyes on it. Its emaciated body, the guttural clicking growls that came from its ribcage. What a vile creation. The brown bushy tail, the claws all designed for prey. Before I had time to act, Veruca screamed my name.

"Vomitus!"

I turned too late, as she got scooped up by one of the vile creature's horrid friends. I watched in agony as it ate her alive, exposing her most vital parts. I turned and looked into my foe's eyes.

"Take me you bastard, take me!" He gave me the cold glare. Then, with a quick flash of teeth, the velvet esophagus on my skin, and I was dead.