Polar Bear Hunting


If the only paper you read is The Daily Illini, then you probably don’t know anything about anything. You should keep your eyes on The Black Sheep, of course, but also the fine local, The News Gazette. To be fair I don’t read the DI unless I’m stepping on it in Follinger. Yeah, I write for the rival paper! Either way, you’d have to be an asshole to not know about the increasing crime on this campus. 


The News Gazette refers to all these crimes as Polar Bear Hunting. Now, I’m not sure where they got this, whether “gang members” call it this, or Newz Gazette “reporters” created it. Either way, I’m sticking to it because it makes our traumatized victims merely the subject of a fun little euphemism. 


Nurse: “Doctor, we have another [loser of Polar Bear]”

Doctor: “Ah, gotcha good, didn’t they?…well let’s dig the rocks out of his eyes”

Nurse: “Those [gang members] are just having a ball out there!”

Doctor: chuckling “[Gang members] will be [gang members]!”


But I say no! Why are these things still happening? Our crack Champaign Police Squad takes the time to give my roommates $700 tickets for throwing peanuts at their car, but not a bunch of “gang members” picking off harmless suburbanites in the street? What happened to the extra policemen? WHERE IS MY PARKING TICKET MONEY GOING?


Nah, lets just slap some band-aid excuse on there, and tell people to stay in bright places where we can see them. Let’s say it’s just some gang who needs to beat people up for admittance, that sounds good right? Nothing we can really “do”. Problem solved. Time to go write some drinking tickets.


But let’s assume that the police are right. What bitch-ass gang is A) In Champaign Urbana and B) so uncreative that their admittance is to beat up a white person walking alone in the street? I CAN BEAT UP ME WALKING IN THE STREET. These guys need to read watch Fight Club or something.


“Hey we all beat up an old white man. Are we in?”


“Now what?”

“Uhh, Hardees?”


Jesus, go sell drugs or start a turf war – look at Bradley University, they’ve got some real gangs there.


Did you know the community’s favorite weatherman was recently the victim of an attack? Yep, and  he called them a bunch of pussies. The Newz Gazette reports, “The attacks seem to have been concentrated on campus during August but lately have been spreading across Champaign and have even included young white boys in city parks.” So now that it has spread off campus, it is a real issue.


But you know, old man weatherman is right, they are a bunch of pussies. The police have proven to be limp in the hands of real crime, so I say us students take the law into our own hands! So here are some safety measures I thought of while pooping:


First things first, walk in groups. And I don’t mean groups of three or four, I mean like groups of thirty. Sometimes in the face of adversity we must ban together and come out for the better. At 2a.m., gather in groups based on your neighborhood outside the bar. Then have everyone lock arms and march down Green Street towards your place. We shall overcome!


On a side note, for those of you heroes who want to go vigilante, you could have one “bait” person walk out alone while 15 others hide behind. Then, as they are attacked you all get out and protect him/her. Buuut I recommend wearing some sort of hooded cloak to protect your identity from the “gang” members.


GPS on the Cops 

That’s right, it’s like reverse big brother. I know you’re thinking, well why would we do that, because then the  “gang members” know where they are too. Wrong, first you’re presuming that they have stolen some sort of iPhone or GPS device. Secondly, we would just put GPS on some of the cars, so it cannot be presumed that the only cop cars around are those on the GPS. It is pretty much like what happens with regular police cars and undercover cars. Then, people will know where it safe to walk because there is a cop car in the area.


OR when “gang members” are found, we tag them with GPS devices. For like two years. What? It’s not that bad of an idea. Come on. Alright maybe that is pushing it a little.


Have a camera ready?

Along with your mace and rape whistle, keep your camera out on the way home. Heck, you could even tape record the walk home. This way you can catch the perpetrators on camera, and we won’t have generic drawings of “gang members” all the time. Plus, you can affably reminisce by watching how the walk home went the next morning. Lets just disregard the fact that while the “gang members” are kicking in your ribs they will probably steal your camera. Good times.


Adapt to our Environment

Listen fellow polar bears, there is a thing called evolution.  Our Northern brothers have utilized evolution perfectly by changing their brown hair into white hair. They also became big and hairy beasts who strike fear into their enemies. Why haven’t we adapted to our surroundings. I imagine in the future, anthropologists will look at this time as a turning point in human history. “As you can see here, a small tribe of seasonal nomads adopted thick outer shells, reptilian camouflage and sprouted rocket arms during the fall, winter and spring seasons.”


Drop out of school, become a bottom feeder

This is the final, and ultimate weapon. It’s big picture stuff. If we all drop out of school and refuse to “get well-paying jobs,” then we won’t be forced to pay these “gang members’” welfare. It’s the old “if you can’t beat them, join them” trick. We will all become poor “gang members”, and slowly the original “gang members” will die off because they cannot survive without a source of income. Best case scenario they learn some sort of discipline, go to school and get jobs. But we all know that’s a long shot, and they would rather go through life assuming they can always beat the money out of other people.


Let me sum things up by postulating if the police are wrong (which is currently what TN-G is reporting), and all these acts of violence are completely random.  Well, in this case we’re all fucked. Maybe they are all a bunch of fed up rebels, believing in societal cleansing and renewal through delicate, yet specific anarchy. But probably not. It is more like a bunch of ne’er-do-wells who sincerely believe they can shit on peoples’ lives with no consequence. And so far there hasn’t been any consequence, so it is probably just going to get worse. They’ll keep kicking in people’s spines and soon kids will start arming themselves on nights out. A wall will be built around the campus district to keep “gang members” out. But this will only lead to more violence until one man, in utter fear of being killed before receiving his diploma, will head to the Chemistry Annex and blow Southern Illinois of the face of the planet. See you on the other side, y’all!


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