Proof That Facebook Is an Evil Super Villain

• Article by Landon Mills
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• April 16, 2012
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This is an urgent warning to anyone who still has not accepted the Facebook Timeline invite. So you're sick of hearing about Timeline or people bitching about Timeline, right? Well, that's too bad – because Facebook is an evil super villain that’s not going anywhere. It wants to make you suffer while you're tied to that chair in its evil secret lair. Seriously, just try to escape. It's impossible. Sure, you might deactivate the Timeline for a little while, but in a month or two you’ll be right back to where you are now.

Think about it, Facebook insists on making this huge announcement on something that’s really no more than a few subtle changes in style and format. A much simpler and smoother approach would have been to go ahead and make the changes over a few months without telling anyone. This way, only the most anal retentive of people would have noticed. Then again, what’s a super villain without a lengthy and arrogant monologue that details his entire evil plot?

For instance, one day they could have just told you something about how, “You can now customize your page with a large photo across your wall’s heading!” But instead they hold you at gunpoint while listing off their demands. “Pick a cover photo. I now contractually own you. Anything emanating from your Timeline cannot be used without the express written consent of Facebook, sucker.”

Further fitting the profile of a psychotic evil genius, Facebook puts the remote detonator in your hand. It then tells you the bomb is going to go off eventually, regardless of whether or not you push the button. Just click the button and end your suffering already. Messing with you on an even deeper psychological level, Facebook has colored the button at the top of your wall an inviting shade of green. It’s banking on the notion that anything green is obviously good. The only exceptions being mold, the Green Lantern and Green Hornet movies, and everything in a Mucinex-D commercial. Facebook has essentially started using psychological warfare tactics for making you choose when to throw your life away.

Facebook loves watching you sweat. So much so that, as it’s poking at your fresh bullet wounds with a stick, it lets you know that the Timeline has a beeping countdown sequence by posting a vague “Coming Soon” warning. Facebook loves watching you squirm. So much so that it hides the actual numbers on the timer. You’re forced to sit there and listen as the beeping rapidly increases… before curiously stopping… and then picking up again. Facebook grins at your attempts to figure out the completely random beeping pattern that’s really just Jerry Springer reruns playing in the next room.

Facebook laughs at your petty attempts to resist spilling the beans. It tells you that you’ll talk sooner or later, and that you haven’t even seen half of what it has to offer. Go ahead; tell your story. Fill Facebook in on all the little details of your life that happened before it was corrupted by Facebook’s deceitful ways. Yes, every bit of personal information. Don’t worry, it’s not like Facebook has the rights to all of the data on its site or anything. Oh, wait.

It could care less whether you actually know anything important or not. It’s going to keep acting like you’re withholding something and then try relentlessly to expose it. It already knows most of your weaknesses—your “Likes and Interests”—so you might as well just go right ahead and tell it the rest. It’s going to share the information with big corporations, allowing them to spam the living hell out of your Timeline with advertisements that will be so relevant to your “Interests” that you won’t be able to resist. “Tell your story,” is internet for, “Talk, motherfucker!”

If you consider yourself a strong one, no matter. If you’re not going to comply, Facebook’s just going to go for your parents. Don’t believe it? Take a look under the “Learn More” tab and view Facebook’s subliminal video that hypnotizes people it calls “users” into thinking Timeline is actually something to be desired. The video talks all about highlighting your good memories and precious moments. That’s right, it speaks “mom!” It’s your own damned fault, though. If you had clicked on every other ad on the right side of the site, it wouldn’t have to do this. You might not be gullible enough to fall for its ambush advertising tactics, but your parents are gullible enough to gladly give the first 16 digits of their credit card number to anyone that asks nicely.

You can’t look at Timeline and tell me that it doesn’t cater to the older, technologically retarded generation. The thing is a Goddamned virtual scrapbook. All it’s going to take is that exact word, scrapbook, and before she knows it your mom will be gladly clicking notifications congratulating her on being the one millionth viewer and that her free Nintendo Wii is waiting.

If none of this is convincing, you’ll be glad to know that everything up to this point has been a diversion. Facebook’s true evil ploy involves ensuring that no United States citizen will ever be able to run for President again.

Remember all of those embarrassing moments you had throughout grade, middle, and high school? Lucky for you it wasn’t all documented like the kids of today will be. Cue Facebook e-loling (evil laughing out loud).

In the future, debate over the best candidate will not be over their stance on healthcare or environmental issues. In fact, there won’t even be a debate, because once the news leaks that, in the 4th grade, Senator Jeffery threw a spitball at poor little Stacy, everyone will denounce him as a violent, sexist bigot. Just when you think that Senator Williams is your guy, the post back in 2012 of him unboxing his pre-owned printer will cause you to reconsider whether he’s even a human being at all, and not some emotionless android. All it takes is one status update posted in 7th grade about how you, “Hate fat young people that ride electric shopping carts in Wal-Mart,” and you can wave goodbye to the Texas vote.

Just when the superhero swoops in and is about to save the day, he’ll remove his mask and reveal that he’s actually the even more diabolical Lord Google, and that Facebook has been his puppet the entire time. It is useless to resist.

Writer Landon Mills, upon submitting this article, has gone missing. The only lead we at The Black Sheep have is a spot of blood on his laptop and a note, which reads, “E-LOL.”