Rip Out Your Wisdom Teeth

Article by Mitch Vaginapun
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April 23, 2012
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Last weekend, I had to go home for some mouth surgery. I don’t mean the usual kind, where I’m the doctor and the only tool I use is my penis. I mean the badass kind, where you get knocked out while some old dude cuts open your face while the nurses are probably touching your junk and stuff. That’s right, I got my wisdom teeth out and that can only mean one thing—time to party.

“Wait,” you say, out of breath from being lame and alone in the dark, “I thought getting your wisdom teeth out was the OPPOSITE of fun!” How pathetic, unfortunate, and wrong you are. This has been the BEST WEEK EVER! Wisdom teeth are the dam that’s holding back all of the fun thing in life, and replacing them with three times the recommended daily dose of Vicodin lets all the party and mouth blood flow into the throat that is your existence. Once you take out your wisdom teeth out, everything and anything is greater than you could possibly imagine. If I haven’t already convinced you to grab a pair of pliers and start ripping shit out of your mouth, let me tell you the wonders your teeth are preventing you from experiencing.

Before I got my wisdom teeth out, the world was a bleak place. Now, everywhere I go I can see the leaves squirm in ecstasy as they take all that hot, long, sunshine and science it into food. I can hear kites laugh as they talk about pizza bagels, Yo Gabba Gabba, and how high they are. I can taste the cotton candy that’s torn off of the clouds by the wind and blown all around us. I can speak to my carpet and it responds with the most wonderful stories about the wars between dust and vacuum. It’s all so magnificent. Why did no one tell me before? Why couldn’t I see it? The answer, of course, is that having extra teeth distorts our senses. The sooner you rip them out, the better your life will be.

“But wait again,” you say, “Living life to the fullest sounds kinda weird! I just wanna get druuuuunk!” I have fantastic news for you. You’re SUPPOSED to get drunk! Not only does drinking numb any of that “pain” stuff people complain about, but it is single-handedly the best thing you can do after you get your teeth out. When I woke up after the surgery, my doctor handed me a fifth and said, “Yo bitch, drink up. Finna kill some germs and shit.” Who am I to go against a doctor’s orders?! That’s treason! They burn you with a steak for that! So, just like my doctor ordered, I’ve been chasing all of my Vicodin with at least five shots. Per pill that is. And I’ve been taking at least three a day, to make sure all of my wounds heal quickly.

I guess there is one downside I’ve been hiding from you. You’re not allowed to throw up. I’ve been counteracting this by swallowing it whenever it comes up. It’s not technically vomit if it doesn’t leave your mouth. The plus side is, all of the Vicodin makes it taste like rainbows. And rainbows are fucking delicious. Just ask my new dragon friend, Toby. And the best part is, if you already have your wisdom teeth out, you can just get some other teeth removed! And when you run out of teeth, go fingernails! It never ends!