Roommate Revenge 101
- Written by UIUC Staff
- January 18, 2013
If your roommate is the most annoying and foul human being you've ever met, and the thought of living with him or her another week makes you want to slam your head into a brick wall, it’s time to get them the hell out. Forget a small prank that’ll barely manage to ruin their day. After half the crap they’ve done to you, you’re going to have to go big and get them to go home. Posting a status on Facebook about them pooping isn’t enough, you need to play dirty. You need to make them just as miserable as they made you during first semester.
If you were forced to spend first semester waking up to nasty surprises from your roommate’s even nastier hookup, whose fake moans kept you up all night, get even. No more cum and pube-clogged shower drains or rancid fish-scented panties lying around your living space. Use your roommate’s whorish, inconsiderate ways to your advantage. One possibility could be to break into your roommate’s condom stash, carefully remove the rubbers, lace the tips with a thin layer of Frank’s Red Hot sauce, and then place back in the packaging. All you have to do after that is listen as he or she gets a spicy, Cajun insertion.
If you’re not feeling too ruthless you can always use the Internet and social media to your advantage in destroying your roommate’s reputation and sex life. Start a blog or a webpage calling it something along the lines of “If You Want An STD Sleep With Me!” or “Looking for my Baby Mama.” Throughout the semester, videotape or take pictures of your slutty roommate’s prime moments with different hookups and post them all over the webpage. Share the link on numerous Facebook pages, get it trending on Twitter, post it on College ACB -- wherever you can get it out. Your roommate’s true colors will be shining bright for the public to see, and soon no one will want to screw them. There will also be a rise in students getting tested for STDs, so it’s like you’re doing the world a favor and making it a safer place.
So maybe your roommate isn’t a huge slut, just a cheap bastard who takes all your stuff. To get your roommate to keep his or her grubby hands off your personal items you’ll need to start sabotaging them. The plan will need to be altered depending on what your roommate is taking, and it could get a little gross on your end.
Give the roommate who can’t seem to stop inhaling all of your food an unpleasant shock to the taste buds. Start messing with all the food you put out, but remember to keep a hidden stash for yourself so you don’t starve or accidentally eat one of the foods you tampered with. Get nasty. Pouring hot sauce over a dish or two is a good start, but more than likely your roommate will enjoy the new flavor. Instead, keep in mind that the grosser the food is, the faster your roommate stops wolfing it all down. You’re gonna want to focus on bodily fluids here. Don’t just stop after your roommate vomits over the nastiness once. They will continue to eat your food as soon as they sense it is safe. Keep throwing surprises at them all semester long.
Sure, your roommate may have good hair, teeth, and body odor, but that’s only because they are using all of your products. Try putting Nair Hair Remover in your shampoo and conditioner. They will feel the itching, burning sensation on their scalp and wash off before they turn into a skinhead, but a bald spot or two is guaranteed. Mix some peroxide in your toothpaste -- this will make your roommate gag instantly. Vomiting after brushing their teeth a few times will surely make them want to switch brands. Put some itching powder in your hairbrush so the bastard will think they got lice and will need to buy their own special shampoo. Just make sure you don’t use it too.
Stop being the pushover your roommate likes to walk all over and take some good ole fashion prank action. After a few ruthless, nasty pranks, your awful roommate will be running out the door for good. Be sure to change the locks when they do.