Senior Bucket List: Sex Edition

• Article by Ken Doll
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• February 22, 2012
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As graduation swiftly approaches it’s time to look back at your past accomplishments on this campus, and then do things that are ten times more badass. I’m talking about crafting your senior bucket list. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to go balls to the wall. Most students would settle for one generic bucket list, consisting of accomplishments such as; go to White Horse karaoke, drink every night of the week, and streak on the quad. You, on the other hand, are a champion, and will not settle for having a so-so bucket list. You’re going to have a bucket list for every delinquent act that makes college great. So let’s take a look at the sexual accomplishments you need to check off before graduation.

Have a Threesome: It’s a scary thought, and it won’t be easy. Your best bet is to find a really kinky friend who doesn’t have feelings, then have them find someone impressionable who you have no connection to. That way, if things go wrong and they end up dead, nothing can be traced back to you when you have to bury them in Illini Grove.

Have Sex under Sauron’s Tower… I mean the Bell Tower: In the year 2008, the University was convinced that its students had grown beyond their control, so they built a tower, which is presumably used to spot students who are openly drinking or publicly urinating on University grounds. It then sends members of student patrol to have the offenders killed. What better way to rebel against this oppression than by ruthlessly banging right underneath the tower? (It’s okay; the eye can’t see you in there).

Get some Oral On the Quad (in the middle of the day): Sounds difficult right? Incorrect, it sounds awesome. Just pretend that you’re taking a nap with your significant other on the quad, but be sure to bring extra blankets for your partner to slide underneath. Meanwhile, you can enjoy a tight-rope show!

Shack in the Six-Pack: Whether it’s the appeal of hooking up with a youthful and naïve freshman, or that you were just really depressed about getting assigned to PAR/FAR your freshman year, there’s something to be desired about shacking in the Six Pack. Maybe, if you’re lucky, your companion will even swipe you in for a free Sunday Brunch in the dining halls.

Bang Someone Who Hates You: There’s always going to be that person you really pissed off in college. Maybe you hooked up with one of their friends and didn’t call them back, maybe you got drunk and told them how you thought they were a giant bitch, or maybe you just got drunk and peed on their couch. Now ask yourself, is this person attractive? Would ten drinks and the knowledge that this person loathes you make them a little more attractive? Then maybe you should tell them it’s time to let grudges go, it is your last semester after all. Instead of fighting, why not have a few drinks, go back to their place and hash out your issues with some angry sex?

Have Sex with your TA: Maybe it’s because you think it’ll help your grade, maybe you’re into their power, or maybe there is just something about the way they use a projector that turns you on, but you’ve got a thing for your TA. It’s natural, trust me. If you don’t take this opportunity now, in another semester they’ll just be another graduate student not making enough money to afford decent standards of living.

Take a Victory Lap: As your final months at this university wind down, what better way to take a trip down memory lane than to have your own real-life sex montage with all of your previous sexual partners on campus? It’s time to pull out the black books, ladies and gentlemen. It shouldn’t be too hard to convince your sexual partners to take another trip down to pound town. It’s not like you silently slipped out of their room in the morning and never called them again…

Obviously you’re a sex maniac and the above list simply won’t satisfy your desire for new and exciting conquests all over campus, but hopefully it gets you started. Add these into your own checklists and screw your way into University of Illinois legendary status.