Sex & CU: Formal Sex


Good news everyone! Formal is in the air, so get out your monocles and top hats and get ready for FORMAL SEX! We all know formal sex is the best, because you’ve just had the best night ever dedicated to drinking, dancing, and being fancy, so why not add amazing sex to the list? But, what makes Formal Sex so wonderful? All the locations you could ever desire.


Bar Bathroom: Finally made it out of the pregame (oh yeah, have sex during that too, nice little way to get your night started) have you? Wonderful, wait to buy yourself and your date a drink at the bar until after some playtime. When everyone first arrives at formal they immediately rush to the ‘tenders (new slang I’m starting up for bartenders) to order their drinks. This is your chance to sneak off to the bathroom while the whole staff is preoccupied with IDing the minors and the drinkers. Sex in a public place is exciting, and sex in a public bathroom is even better ‘cause there’s all this toilet paper around to clean up the mess after and plenty more to play with during – who isn’t up for a little Mummy and the Archeologist role-playing?


Shower: HELLOOOO shower sex. Forget lubrication – you two will both be so wet, Japan post-tsunami would look dry in comparison. Plus there’s all that free crap that just appears from nowhere in hotels, like one second you’re all, “Damn, I forgot all my condoms in my suitcase,” but then you realize the hotel has weirdly provided condoms in their bathroom package – and a hair cap, so utilize that too! Why not?


Balcony: So you’ve traveled to another city to get your formal freak on. Generally you or your date will splurge and get a hotel room so you can get as sloppy as you want and not have to worry about dodging a DUI while driving back to Champaign. Since you’re already bustin’ out the big bucks, do yourself a favor and find a room with a balcony attached. Having sex while suspended fourteen-plus floors in the air (yeah, if you’re not at least fourteen floors off the ground, you’re not doing yourself justice) is both thrilling and exciting. Exciting mostly because you know there’s some dude located two floors above yours in the building across from you totally watching and probably filming. “I’ll make a star out of me yet,” you’ll think as you’re secretly winking at the man creepily recording.


Jacuzzi: Come on. This is an easy one – either you bang in one in the pool by the lobby, or you have a super sweet room with a boss tub that comes with complimentary bath soaps, bubbles, and a rubber ducky. But please, turn Duckers around; he doesn’t need to see your debauchery.


Penthouse: Sneak into the penthouse of the hotel. If someone’s using it, that’s even better and easier – befriend this rich person (from what Lifetime movies have taught me about rich people is that their lives are full of money and not friends, so they could use the company) and sex it up with your date wherever you can. Hell, while you’re there – score yourself some free porn to play along to; whoever’s renting this room is so rich, he’s not gonna check the bill cause it’s $15 over the original price – those guys quit paying attention after the thousands.

What’s that you say? You heard I did it in all of those places last weekend? Well, then, hypothetical reader who strangely knows a bit too much about my personal life, why are you not raising your hand for a how-awesome-am-I-five?!?! Happy humping my friends!


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