Sex Sounds - Sounds of... Love?


Come on, admit it. We all know you do it. You get a little excited when you hear your neighbors or roommates getting theirs. You’re laying in bed after an unsuccessful night at the bars, crying and singing Taylor Swift to yourself, and you can’t help but listen intently to the various noises. But what do these noises mean? Are you getting all that you’ve bargained for when you press your ear against the door or hide in the closet? Deciphering sex sounds can be tricky, but you must understand the meaning behind them. Without meaning, eavesdropping would be meaningless. You understand? So here it goes:


Excessive Giggling This can mean one of two things: the penis is either terrifyingly huge or tragically microscopic. There is no in between in a case like this. If it were medium-sized, she would just shut up and do the deed – no chuckles involved. This is like a classic, perverted version of Goldilocks. Obviously, she doesn’t know how to react to such extreme ends of the spectrum. So to stop herself from being rude, she just innocently giggles like she’s never seen a dick before. He will just think she is being cute and shy; when in reality, she is trying to hide some intense emotions. Giggling is a sign of being nervous, DUH! Didn’t you learn that in Psych 100 or something? She is not having fun. Don’t be so gullible.


Abnormal Amount of Screaming Homegirl’s a freak! But seriously, she just knows the tricks of the trade. So she’s been around the hump-block a few times and knows exactly what makes a guy feel good about himself. She is probably being extremely over-the-top, and it’s probably making you feel kind of weird. But she’s smart, because she’s not going to have any trouble getting rid of this punk. He’ll sit back, put his hands behind his head, give himself a high-five, and know that his work there is totes dunzo. Then he will want to run home as fast as he can to tell all his bros about it. As for her, she will be thinking, eh, wasn’t bad, but I really just wanted this bed to myself tonight! Time to starfish.


Whispers of Sweet Nothings Aw piss, she actually likes this guy. This is what is commonly referred to as a Code Red Situation, or a Stage Five Clinger (or Clingon in some nerd circles). Sure, she had every intention of finding a guy to sleep with and then never speak to again. But the way that his eyes sparkled under the fluorescent bulbs at the Red Lion must’ve really done her in. Or maybe it was the gracefulness that was his hair blowing in the wind of the fog machine. Either way, she took him home to have “passionate” sex and now she wants him to stay, cuddle, and talk about future goals and baby names. Don’t worry, he’ll never call, and they will awkwardly bump into each other at some point. He’ll be with another girl, and she’ll call him a manwhore. She might run away crying and then proceed to gain 15 pounds, but she will eventually get over it. Just know that cute whispers mean disaster in the roommate world.


Complete and Utter Silence Don’t be sad, you creep; this is only a temporary silence. Ten shots of tequila take a toll on one’s body, and after a long night of drinking, a sleep-sesh comes before a slam-sesh. Sooner or later, one of them will have to get up to use the bathroom, which will wake the other one up (make sure you’re still hiding at this point so you don’t get caught and ruin any chance of living vicariously through them). Now, the fun begins! Although this one won’t be terribly exciting, since they’ll both be in a half asleep, drunken daze. Really sloppy, disgusting, dead fish on dead fish sex ensues. Maybe you’ll hear a grunt or too, if you’re lucky. Give it a good four minutes, and you will hear silence again followed by some guttural snoring. At this point you’ll probably walk back to your room shaking your head in disappointment.


Now go on and tuck this under your pillow, so next time you hear nookie going down in the other room, you’ll know exactly what’s going on. Maybe you can even add your own little play-by-play and then stream it live it on the internet! 


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