So You Think You Can Dance?

• Article by ISU Staff
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• May 14, 2012
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• Illinois State

As the school year draws to a close there’s much cause for celebration. And like any gateway drug, celebration leads to bad things. Like fun. Then fun leads to enjoyment and enjoyment leads to dancing. No matter how good or bad you look, or how many times your friends have begged you to stop, some people are determined to dance. There’s many ways to bust a move, but here’s a few freaks you’ll see out on the dance floor. 

The sober shuffler: You don’t really know what to do with your body. You want to have fun, but it’s so hard because, surprise surprise, you’re sober. You’ll gently sway, clapping your hands occasionally, in the middle of the other ragers who are actually having a good time. You’re being a Debbie Downer by swaying like you’re Mary Poppins, when you should really be Mary Pop-and-Lockin’.

Captain“dances on walls”: We’ve all been guilty of this one. Sometimes the wall is the best dance partner. It doesn’t move. You can drop it, turn it, twist it, juke on it, body roll it, and it just stays there and supports you in your attempt to look like a total slut. Caution: you WILL be judged at a party for doing this. 

The hardcore fist pumper: This one’s a double whammy if you’re tall. You’re fist pumping like you own the Jersey Shore, and suddenly there’s blood everywhere. You’ve been punching the ceiling for a good five minutes and have just realized this. It’s probably time to stop. It’s perfectly normal to stop dancing when you’re about to get some…in this case, “some” meaning “some medical attention”. But don’t fret. You’ll still get your GTL in tomorrow. 

The person who “only dances if they’re blacked out,” and they clearly are: Beer cup in hand and getting a little rowdy, said person endlessly seeks out dance partners, getting rejected when he spills half his cup on his victim of choice. The dance itself includes some whipping of the hair back and forth and a failed attempt at the dougie. 

The “about to have sex in the middle of the dance floor” couple: Seriously, if we wanted to watch porn, we would have stayed in. There are three rooms in this apartment to choose from, and the owner of this apartment wouldn’t mind a random couple banging on his bed. Even if he’ll be pissed, he won’t find out until you get it in. Just stop screwing where we can see it.

The girl that keeps juking all over the place: In the middle of the overcrowded, sweaty sauna of a party this girl finds a way to bend over and shake her butt constantly. Not “finds”, “forces”. Judging from the big open circle, you’d think a dance battle had broken out, but nope! This jukester is booty bumping everyone who dares come within five feet of her, jigglin’ her ass around every way possible. We all know who the classy girl is.

We’ve all been guilty of at least one of these, and we’ve all loathed the next day, when pictures from the night show up on Facebook and you get to see how “great” you actually looked. Great, as in, 'great job, you'll never run for president.'