Sorority Bid Night! (Get Some)
- Article by Staff
- September 27, 2010
How’s it hangin’, bro? You ever been trollin’ fo ass and stumble onto (or into) some sweet sorority sistas? Fuck yeah you have. So you flauntin’ yo swagga, spikin’ yo hair, sprayin’ yo junk with 3 bottles of Axe, poppin’ yo colla, callin’ her a bitch, tossin’ in the occasional C-word—everything that bitches loves. If bitch still won’t give you a blumpkin after all yo sweet tricks you be layin’ on her, I gots a solution fo you: buy her.
If you be thinkin’ “But prostitution is illegal,” stop using such big words so The Brodozer can catch yo drift, brah. Buying bitches is all da rage, and you gots a prime chance this week at Sorority Bid Night. Meet me in the Brown Ballroom at 8:15, it’s going down. If you don’t know where that is, just look around fo some brown 3-D circles. I took some cough syrup last night and found that shit in like 5 minutes. I learned that one from my brotha Lil Wayne.
Buying a bitch is as easy as 1-2-3. Step 1, find you some bitches. Step 2, buy those bitches. See brah? If you be feelin’ iffy, just remember that all the money goes to a great cause—getting you laid. But you best not be feelin’ stingy. Only fat bitches go cheap, and even though we all wanna drown in bitches, we don’t wanna drown in just one big one. Here’s some money savin’ tips so you can buy some grade-A sorority ass.
You like your roommate? Fuck no you don’t. Homie is a constant cock-block. Wait for him to go to class and steal the fuck out of his laptop. I’ll buy that shit fo like, three bucks. Hit me up. Normally, you wanna look nice for bitches, so doing laundry is important. Not at bid night. Those mustard and “milk” stains on your pants ain’t shit if you gots a thick stack o’ bills. Save yo quarters for the bitches and spray an extra bottle of Axe on your junk.
You gotta make sure there’s no confusion about which bitch you be buying. I once ordered a blue slushie, and motherfucker gave me a blue raspberry. I was all, “Bitch, raspberries don’t go good with rum!” Ruined my fucking drank. Give some deets about which bitch you wanna buy. Don’t yell out, “The blonde with the big titties!” If it’s a good auction, that’s what they all be rockin’. Anything else isn’t top shelf shit. Why buy the Keystone when you can buy the Smirnoff Ice?
That’s right, because you can buy more with the same monies. Why settle for one bangin’ chick when you could just be bangin’ like 17 chicks at once? Lemme give you one of The Brodozer’s most super-secretest secrets—buy brunette. Brunette bitches cost like, 4 times less than blondes. Plus, once they be yours, you can make them do whatever you want. Just have them drink about a gallon of bleach and that bitch be sportin’ a blonde mop in no time. Don’t worry if they be all, “I can’t see!” It’s just because the lights are off. What dumb blondes.
Don’t forget to hit up Sorority Bid Night, dawg. It’ll be so fucking rowdy, Santa’s gunna check that shit THREE times. Bring yo wallets or I’ll buy out all da bitches. Maliki out.