Spartan Wolv Hunt
- Article by Zoe Kremke
- October 30, 2013
Deep beneath Spartan Stadium, the League of Spartan Elite sat around their stone table. Torches flickered on the walls, causing the barrels of malt liquor to glitter invitingly. Mark Dantonio dipped his emerald and diamond goblet into one of the barrels, filling it and bringing it to his lips. Taking a handsome gulp, he sighed, “The time has come, once again, for us to compete against University of Michigan.”¯ The obvious had been addressed, and the fury in the room was palpable. Izzo slammed his fist onto the granite table, unfazed by the pain that would have left a mere mortal with a broken hand.
“This year has been particularly tense, what with that sky writing shit,”¯ Izzo growled, a vein popping in his forehead, “It’s time we make it known to the world that we are the best, and we are not to be messed with.”¯
From across the table, Lou Anna K lightly cleared her throat. Izzo and Dantonio froze in the face of their leader, waiting for her to speak. “I believe you gentlemen are correct,”¯ Lou Anna said, cooly. A fly buzzed near her face, and in a smooth motion, she crushed it with one hand. “It’s time to defeat the Wolverines once and for all, in true Spartan fashion. I trust you all to come up with a plan that shows both our ferocity and cunning. Do not disappoint me.”¯ With this, she stood from the table, her heels clicking on the marble floor as she made her exit.
Magic Johnson rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “We must exert our dominance…”¯ he stared off into the distance pensively. “But what can we possibly do that which hasn’t been done before? We can’t half ass this, for the sake of our pride.”¯
Zeke the Wonder Dog, wearing a golden crown, barked in agreement.
Sitting quietly under the shadows of these legends, the newest member to the League, Mike Sadler, leaned forward. “We must capture a wolverine,”¯ his voice was clear and beautiful, embodying all past, present, and future Spartans. The League was shocked and silent. This was the most brilliant idea that ever had come to pass.
“We will send Sparty,”¯ Dantonio nodded gravely, bolstering Sadler’s plan.
“This will prove once and for all that we’re better than those unshowered greaseballs who dare to call themselves human,”¯ muttered Izzo.
Magic raised his goblet in a toast, “To Michigan State!”¯ he exclaimed. “Now, off to wake Sparty!”¯
The League went to travel through the steam tunnels towards the Breslin Center, where Sparty slept in a beautiful chamber. When the League arrived, Sparty was already awake, working out while reading Shakespeare’s Hamlet. They shared their plan with Sparty, and before they had time to wish him luck, he was off like a shot, running towards the U.P. Sparty knew that he had to be efficient if he was going to capture a wolverine in time for the game.
A few days had passed, and alas, the Michigan game was upon us. The League was gathered in the locker room of Spartan Stadium. “Where could he possibly be?!”¯ Izzo yelled.
“He will come,”¯ said a confident Sadler.
“He’d better,”¯ said a voice from the shadows. Lou Anna K emerged from the corner of the room, making Magic jump.
“Jesus, Lou Lou, you scared the piss out of us,”¯ Dantonio said, showing literally no fear despite his prior statement.
“Where is Sparty?”¯ Lou Anna K. glared at the League.
Suddenly, Sparty came crashing down the stairs, glistening with glory and sweat. Behind him was a ferocious wolverine, being led by a green and white leash and collar. Sparty patted the wolverine’s head and gave him a treat.
“My God!”¯ Izzo exclaimed. “Sparty has both captured and trained this wolverine. This plan has gone better than we ever could have imagined.”¯
“I am pleased, Sparty,”¯ Lou Anna K. cracked a smile for the first time since she was a wee little tot on the crisp shores of Normandy.
Proudly, the League followed Sparty and his wolverine onto the field. The stadium fell quiet, awe-struck that Sparty was capable of such a feat. Sparty marched towards the student section, raised his fist, and was met with a deafening roar.
“I knew he would do it,”¯ Sadler muttered to himself, “Spartans will.”¯