Sperry’s Response to Lance Diamond


Dear Mr. Diamond,

Thank you for writing us. We always appreciate customer feedback and yours was not only great feedback but provided a source of entertainment in our office for weeks! We can’t thank you enough. We also want to congratulate you on getting almost 80,000 views on YouTube. It was oddly surprising that you got more views than the new Victoria’s Secret commercial, but it could be because you showed even more skin than they do. 


We tried and tried and tried to figure out a proper way to respond to your video, hence the delay and we finally decided we wanted to break it down piece by piece due to the sensitive nature of the complaint (we hate when our feet aren’t baby soft), so you’ll find our responses below:


1. “There’s no warning label on the Sperrys, but apparently you have to break them in.” Ahh, a common misconception about Sperrys is that we hire people to walk around in your shoes for weeks at a time before we ship them to you to ensure that they are broken in. Unfortunately, this is untrue. We found it much more cost efficient to leave it up to the customer to handle that part of their product experience. We apologize for the misunderstanding, but it is odd to us that even though your dad runs the world—you’ve never owned a nice enough pair of leather shoes that you had to break in.


2. A warning label with your signature? Interesting concept, we appreciate your innovative thinking but we actually like when our company makes money and we don’t feel that branding our shoes with your name would be the best idea for that.


3. We’re not all engineers here, but we called our buddies next door at MIT and asked what the hell the “upper right quartile” of a foot was…and congratulations! You stumped them, too.


4. We do not have a foot fetish, but we can’t really say we’re “anti-feet” since we’re a shoe company and all…but that was still pretty vile. Also, did you burn a cigar through that flip flop?


5. Please do not ever wear socks with Sperrys again (now, that’s a viable idea for a label). We would’ve suggested you picked out some sneakers to go out in that night, had you contacted us sooner.


6. Your dad is a corporate lawyer for Exxon-Mobil who runs the world!? Wow. We’re impressed. No, but really. We would’ve figured that a corporate lawyer for Exxon-Mobil had a bit much on their plate to be running the world and trying to avoid legal repercussions from an oil spill in the Yellowstone River.


7. We’re very, very grateful that you’re not going to sue us for millions and millions of dollars. Mostly because you would’ve bankrupted yourself trying to and then probably made another YouTube video about it.


8. By asking for 15 pairs of Sperrys for your friends in your hall, this makes us think that you must hate the people on your hall. We’ve all seen your feet and now you’re saying you want us to put 15 more kids through that traumatizing experience? We cannot do that and I’m sure your hallmates don’t appreciate you wishing for them to be in pain, either.


10. As for the face-to-face apology…nah. But we are sorry, but we’re mainly just sorry that you wore socks with your Sperrys. What did your Sperrys ever do to you? Oh wait…nevermind…please don’t show us your feet again.


11. Where do you think Ralph Lauren gets his “magical cotton” to make “those shits” out of? We’d like to invest in that process.


[Sidenote: We wish you had gotten blood on those headphones so they would come off like your socks.]


12. We’ll be in touch with your professor, right away, but mainly just to tell him that you chilled on Twitter, Facebook, and Xbox all day instead of doing your homework so you wouldn’t need the extra credit from the Blood Drive.


13. We know that you see this as us taking an opportunity away from you to meet people, but dude, you have almost 80,000 views on YouTube! If that’s not branching out, we’re not sure what is. We have no doubt that your video caused a line of biddies all the way down your hallway waiting to snatch that flat bill off your hat in an act of complete and utter flirtation.


14. Your dad, who loves you, is a corporate lawyer for Exxon-Mobil, AND runs the world only bought you Ramen Noodles to eat? My dad hated me, but he at least got me the Cup O’ Noodles.


15. While the two options of compensation or you “suing the bajeezus” out of us did cause us to stutter and call a corporate meeting to discuss our options, we’ve chosen door number two and would like you to “sue the bajeezus” out of us.


16. TRIPLE DOG DARE!? Last time I was triple dog dared, I had to go into the closet for “Seven Minutes in Heaven” with Becky “Bucktooth Miller” in 7th grade. Just thought I’d share.


17. Okay, how about this: We TRIPLE DOG DARE you to go buy 120 McChickens and eat them ALL in under 120 minutes, we’ll send you a million dollars. Oh, but you need to film it and put it on YouTube. If you puke, you own us a million. Deal?


We sincerely apologize that you feel this way about Sperrys, but do you remember how Abercrombie & Fitch paid Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing their clothes? We’ve decided to implement a similar procedure. Your check is in the mail.


Good Day Sir,

Sperry TopSiders*


*no, not really.


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