Student Athletes: Competing for Control of Westeros


Cersei Lannister once said, “When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die; there is no middle ground.” This is the cutthroat nature of sporting events at the University of Illinois. A recent article in a different local publication called these athletes the kings and queens of campus, but we’re more inclined to say that many of them are simply lords and ladies, in fealty to more powerful, greater houses. With the new Game of Thrones season right around the corner, a parallel can be drawn -- albeit a parallel with less tits -- between the struggle of the nobility of Westeros and the nobility of Champaign who have recently had their right to reign questioned. Last season in Game of Thrones several different lords were vying for control of the kingdom. These houses can be compared to the athletic teams and their desire to be the most powerful squad on campus.


The football team is House Targaryen. Former ruler of the seven kingdoms of Westeros, House Targaryen was extremely powerful until they had the Mad King go so crazy that the rest of the kingdom said, “Fuck this shit,” and revolted. Mad King Ron Zook decimated our football team with that same batshit attitude. Once the team became bowl eligible two seasons ago, the Mad King did everything in his power to destroy any chances of Illinois ever being taken seriously as a football team, leaving us with Tim “Viserys” Beckman in his wake. God, wanna-be heads-of-state with white hair? Could the parallel be any stronger? At least House Targaryen has the naked chick with white hair and dragons; what’s the upside of the football team?


House Lannister is just like the Illini basketball team. They are in power, but how stable are they? The Lannisters have some great intelligence in their father, the gay midget from Death at a Funeral, and Jaime, a great sword fighter with phenomenal hair. But that’s where their power ends. They have a dumbass former queen that fucked her brother and popped out the little evil shit king that everyone hates. The basketball team was ranked for a while, then lost key games, then played awesome, and then lost again. Is this team really good but just plays some shitty games? Or are they really bad and just have a few amazing games? No one knows how long they can stay on top. Hopefully they aren’t all fucking each other like the Lannisters, though that might boost team morale.


House Stark is the hockey team. Strongly defiant and weird people who like the cold, both the Starks and the Illini Hockey team have never sought to rule the kingdom as their own. No longer willing to stand the injustices brought upon them, however, the Starks have sought to form a separate kingdom in the North. The hockey team has been similarly defiant by winning… and winning a lot. With a current record of 25-11-2, the Illini are making a strong case that they deserve to have a Division I program at the University of Illinois. More and more students are supporting these so-called Kings in the North as the hockey team grows more powerful.


House Baratheon is comparable to the baseball team. Similarly, Stannis Baratheon has legions of followers, but that’s just because they don’t have anything better to do. Everyone likes baseball, as it is America’s pastime. However, other sports come around and people just lose interest. No one wants to sit outside in the cold for four hours watching only three interesting things happen the entire time. Plus, baseball players are weirdly superstitious when it comes to washing jock straps and socks, which ties into the weird cult practices of Stannis and whatever the hell that redheaded witch lady shot out of her vagina. While they may have the support, are the Baratheons or the baseball team really poised to take over the throne?


House Greyjoy is the rugby team. Off in their own world and strangely violent, the ruggers pay the “iron price” and take what they want. The ruggers aren’t really as much of massive dickheads as the Greyjoys though and thus don’t receive as much hate. Theon’s a whiney pussy anyway.


With winter coming this month, we have a lot to look forward to with Game of Thrones... and out sports. Hopefully they don't end in dissapointment like ALWAYS.


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