Summer Fun: Vice Wars

Article by Brittany Barkes
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May 21, 2012
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Bored just thinking about summer? Are you looking to break out of your malaise with a game that combines drinking, eating, endurance, and pure talent? Then you must attempt the greatest competition to ever reach Newark. Vice Wars, allegedly originating from Rochester, New York, is an athletic feat meant only for those who are devoted to winning (and potentially vomiting). The premise of the game is simple—each team should finish every food and drink item on their table. In addition, every 15 minutes teams stop eating and drinking to participate in an old fashioned “mini game”. By the end, the team with the post points earned between mini games and copious amounts of consumption wins.

Number of Players: 8-10 people per team and 1 referee.

Amount of time: 45 minutes to 2 hours (depending on your abilities).

Goal: Be the team with the most points at the end.

Supplies (per team): A case of cheap beer, box of Franzia, Four Loko (original, if possible), 40 oz. Steel Reserve, 750 ml of vodka, a pack of Sour Patch Kids, a Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready pizza, 10 various items off the McDonalds Dollar Menu, and a jar of pickles.

Instructions:

Step 1: The Plan: In order to host the most epic of Vice Wars, you must first decide who is worthy enough to be a captain. We suggest captains are chosen by competing in the greatest feat of strength known to man: A tickle fight. Once decided, captains must hold a secret meeting to discuss logistics. This includes developing a point system, choosing appropriate mini games, picking a time and place, and deciding who’s going to be the fall guy when someone has to go to jail.

Step 2: The Draft: Once people agree to turn over their souls to the Vice Gods, captains must divide teams evenly. This takes place in an old-school playground-style draft. Captains take turns choosing competitors, with contests being ranked by drinking ability, eating ability, and overall level of fun. Remember, you don’t even have to be a big drinker to participate; you might just be damn good at eating pickles.

Step 3: The War: Be sure the rules are clearly posted in view, so drunken assholes are not constantly yelling at the poor, sober referee. Make sure each team has all items on the table, and let the ref know all the details of mini games beforehand. Throughout game play, the ref should add and deduct points as seen fit. The game ends when all teams have finished their tables or when all mini games are completed.

Point System for 3 Teams:

The first team to finish everything on their table nets 5 points, second place earns 3 points, and third gets 1 point. Unfinished tables result in no points.

Each mini game is worth the same amount of points. The first place finishing team receives 2 points, second gets 1, and third gets the big ol’ goose egg.

Any player vomiting during game time loses his or her team one point.

Potential Mini Games (substitute in your own as desired):

Tug of War: Starting the Vice Wars mini games with tug of war is almost necessary. Participants will still be sober enough to take it seriously, and some sort of athletic feat will make all players feel better about the debauchery currently taking place.

Relay Race: Adding a mandatory twist that forces each player to swap oversized shorts and shirts will definitely make the race a little more…adult. Looks like Rob should have worn underwear today.

Puzzle: Give each team a 100-piece puzzle and watch just how difficult it is for moronic drunks to use any form of cognitive functioning.

Water Balloon Toss: Each team presents pairs of players, the last pair standing wins. Be careful not to supply too many water balloons or Vice Wars may get out of hand.

There you have it. Try out your own version and watch just how out of hand a group of friends may become. So while you may have spent time fantasizing about how to last minute qualify for the London Olympics, you should now focus on this game that combines everything you have ever learned in college. May the odds be ever in your favor.