Summer Jobs: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

• Article by Annie Hiner
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• May 11, 2012
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• Minnesota

As finals commence and summer takes over the harsh reality sets in. You’re forced to find a job as you wean off the money teat that your parents have so graciously provided. When applying for a summer job you’re faced with a variety of options. While some of your friends spend their summer making twenty dollars an hour, doing mindless work even a chimpanzee could manage, others aren’t so lucky. How lucky are you? Will your summer job be good, bad, or just plain ugly?

Good gigs are hard to come by. If you stumble upon one, you better hold on to it for as long as possible. Now you may think “pool boy” doesn’t sound glamorous, but if some Minnesotan is rich enough to have a pool in their backyard, they are also guaranteed to have a hot MILF waiting inside. These bored housewives will shower you with fresh fruit and frozen drinks. It’s hard to complain about cleaning dead frogs and dog shit out of a pool when you get to gaze at Mrs. Robinson relaxing topless in the sun. If you manage to get a job cleaning a pool this summer, get excited. In the rare case Mrs. Robinson isn’t quite a ten, or even a five, at least you’ll get a nice tan. 

Also sweet, working for your parents is a job that won’t exactly enhance your tan but will most definitely bring in the cash. Chances are if you have a friend that gets paid to work for their parents, it’s hard not to want to kick that lucky son of a bitch in the genitals. These jobs are truly ideal. Your parents love for you is never-ending, therefore showing up an hour late or fucking up one too many times can only result in a subpar birthday present. Sure, everyone in the office may hate your guts, but they’re forced to be nice to you. Not too shabby.

When it comes to the bad, they aren’t horrible, it just basically means you make minimum wage and deal with a lot of annoying motherfuckers. The bad begins with serving. It doesn’t sound awful, only because  you have a chance at earning a pretty penny with any serving job. However, serving jobs will also make you lose all faith in humanity. You truly never realize the amount of imbecile assholes in this world until you start taking orders. Your table of thirty all needs separate checks? Great! Thirty cent tip on a twenty dollar tab? Oh, you shouldn’t have! It’s no wonder that people in the service business often have alcoholic tendencies. 

Retail also sucks. Nothing says hangover like sitting in a fitting room for six hours, absorbing the scent of dirty diapers and bad perfume after a long night of Long Islands. The worst part is that you actually have to put a fake smile on your face, ignore the customer’s obvious muffin top, and proceed to lie and say that the jeans look great! Also, folding clothes for three hours may seem like a breeze, but as you fold v-neck after v-neck it’s difficult not to pull your hair out. Prisoners should have to work at Old Navy. 

The ugly have no cushion; they are the nastiest jobs around. First of all, if you have to wear a visor at work, say goodbye to your sex life. Truly, working at a fast food restaurant is just about as low as it gets. You may be able to show up to work high out of your mind, but it may be hard not to fall in a deep depression while taking drive thru orders from cars full of morons who are also high out of their minds. That $7.25 an hour pay is better than nothing, but it’s also the reason you are forced to bring a flask of your own booze when you hit the bars. 

The lowest of the low is becoming a stripper. It’s no secret that the majority of college students are shameless. College bars are packed with girls falling down the stairs and guys peeing on the floor, yet even most college kids respect themselves enough to never stoop this low. So maybe you got real drunk and flashed your tits to a crowd full of strangers on amateur night, that doesn’t mean you were destined to be a stripper. Honestly, who wants to spot their professor in a crowd as they dance on stage to Nelly’s “Hot In Herre” with their cooter exposed? 

In the end, money is money. Whether you spend your summer rubbing tanning oil dangerously close to a hot mom’s ass, or serving fries to obese people, you’re still making buck. Don’t fret, no matter how horrible the job, you’ll eventually have enough money to buy a cheap bottle of whiskey and cry yourself to sleep at night.