Summer Reunion with High School Friends at Local Denny’s Awkward and Uncomfortable
- Article by Austin Gomez
- May 24, 2013
Upon finishing up the semester from their respective universities, a group of childhood friends who hadn’t seen each other since high school decided to meet up at a local Denny’s to catch-up for old time’s sake. Merely ten minutes after half-hearted introductions, reports have confirmed that all four friends simultaneously concluded in their minds that the meeting was “a really, really bad idea.”
In a socially disastrous spectacle causing several late-night breakfast enthusiasts to whisper amongst each other regarding the sheer awkwardness permeating from the four-pack’s booth by the window – which has since been inferred as the group’s “usual spot” – onlookers have stated that thumbs were twiddled, weight was shifted, and knuckles were cracked while absently staring off into space until someone else opened their mouth to say something.
“It’s just a shame that there are kids here who had to witness this,” said local motorcycle gang leader and Rob Zombie look-alike Ross Samson, “We all know how these sorts of friendships crash and burn when college comes into the picture, and that’s just not something we need innocent high schoolers to concern themselves with right now. They don’t need to know that it ends this way.”
After none of the friends seemed to remember their old handshake they invented upon entering high school, it seems that what was supposed to be a nonchalant get-together was doomed from the start. Joe, a junior from the University of Illinois, tried starting a conversation about frats on his friends’ campuses only to find that he was the only member of Greek life at the table. Adam, a junior from Northwestern, accidentally made arguably pompous remarks against Greeks and their inferiority to GDIs, leaving a deathly silence staler than Joe’s bacon from his Grand Slam. Karl, the friend who sat uncomfortably close to the window, broke the silence only to ask what “GDI” meant, causing his friends to realize that he was the only one in the group still in community college. This scenario alone caused several dining guests to complain.
“I cringed so hard that my asshole nearly turned inside out,” commented disgruntled accountant Al Speares after being forced to drive home to his family due to the aural inhospitality within the restaurant, “If all four of them weren’t accidentally talking over each other when trying to reignite conversation, they were checking their phones and actually eating their hash browns. Once you start incessantly nibbling on those strips of god-knows-what spud scrap this restaurant uses, things are in bad shape.”
When asked if he could comment on the incident, manager-on-staff Kevin Portnick stated calmly that this was a textbook case that he has unfortunately had to witness in all 15 years of his time managing the night shift. “I really just expected them to order the standard Grand Slams with someone making the odd choice of accidentally getting a dinner item, some resurfacing old jokes from high school that none of them found funny anymore, and then all four of them racing to their cars in just under an hour flat.
“But when Adam referred to ISU as “I Screwed Up” without realizing that Patrick goes there, the shit hit the fan faster than our average customer runs to the restroom. Watching Joe act as the ‘mediator’ – the one who probably had the dumb idea of sending a group message over Facebook in the first place – and fail to keep his friends from becoming incredibly jaded or disappointed about their college experiences was like watching a blindfolded farmer trying to put a horse down with an airsoft gun.”
Portnick confirmed that after spending an uncomfortable 8 minutes trying to figure out how to split the bill and tip, Karl tripped over his own foot when exiting the booth while Joe awkwardly grazed Adam’s thigh going through the front entrance. Patrick was fortunate enough to run into a few friends from ISU sitting on the other side of the restaurant.
“It always ends with an ‘it was awesome talking with you guys’ or ‘we totally have to do this again sometime…’” said Portnick as he handed out free desert vouchers for customers caught in the crossfire of the incident, “…but they don’t come back. They never do.”