Summer Spots to Do The Nasty
- Written by Kitty Kat
- June 20, 2012
By the end of the school year everyone is so pumped to be done with classes that they forget about the pleasantries they’ll be leaving behind in Chambana. Many students have returned home, where an unfortunate many are still living under their parents’ rules. This means no walking around naked, smoking weed in your bedroom, or day drinking (unless your parents are really cool). This also means you have to say goodbye to the sexual freedom that you took for granted at school. You were able to bang whoever you wanted, whenever you wanted, and not even your born-again, dried-up roommates could stop you. Once you’re home though, mom and dad always want to know what’s happening, and bringing home a shacker or getting it on with your significant other becomes impossible. But wait! There are other spots outside the bedroom for you to get your summer romp on without (hopefully) any interruptions.
Unless you’re poor or eco-friendly like those smelly hippies slacklining on the Quad, you have a car at home. Getting dirty in daddy’s Denali is almost as good as banging on a bed covered in satin sheets. The cramped fit will make everything feel tighter and sexier, as long as you don’t burn your bum on the sun-drenched leather seats. Ouch. The hard part is figuring out where to park without anyone noticing the foggy windows and the rockin’ tires. Dark alleys pushed back from the main road seem to be everyone’s go-to plan.
If you’re not too good at being sneaky, you could take a less subtle approach. Take a drive up to Six Flags and spend the day at Hurricane Harbor. Rent one of those comfy double tubes and float around the lazy river during foreplay. The lifeguards are too busy hating their lives to notice any hanky panky going on under the water, and any parents around will be more concerned with keeping an eye on their own kids’ bad behavior. When things start to get serious, take it the wave pool or an enclosed tube ride to get a quickie while you’re coasting along the water. So many gross body fluids have found their way into those pools that the chlorine won’t mind a little extra semen just this once.
Make sure to try out your local movie theater, preferably the theater of a low-rated, unanticipated film that is sure to have empty seats. Maybe that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Something about Lincoln’s seductive mole-and-beard combo has always gotten me all hot. Get cozy in the pitch-black back corner and see how much you can accomplish during the previews. If you time it right, the triumphant musical score and shrieks of terror in the film will be the perfect cover for you own moans of passion. Plus that place is air conditioned, and there’s nothing worse than that sweaty after-sex stench.
Unfortunately, getting that necessary alone time isn’t always possible; the ‘rents still expect you to babysit your younger siblings every once in a while. In that case, use this to your advantage and take the kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s. While little Junior is running around, having the time of his young, pathetic life, slip away, buy a few beers, and hide out in the ball pit or tunnels with your bang buddy. You don’t need any tokens for this ride, baby.
If all else fails and you’re feeling desperate, stick to what you know best: get frisky in the comfort of your own home. Bring your slampiece to the basement, keep it quick and quiet, and you’ll be sure to get away with it. If you’re a punctual, hit-it-and-quit-it type, have your girl stop by while dad’s still at work or when mom runs to the store for a gallon of milk. Who doesn’t like a challenge?
To my fellow sex lovers: I wish you all good luck and happy smashing this summer season.