Surviving the Rest of the Year Without Grocery Shopping
- Written by Michael Benson
- April 26, 2012
Ever since I could remember I have had the spirit of an adventurer. The world is a harsh and dangerous place, and I never pass up an opportunity to test myself against its dangers. Along with this, ever since I could remember, I have been broke. Because of my money woes I have been forced to limit my drinking habits, and must now only go to bars that never charge cover. You can only listen to so much Tom Petty until you are forced to make a drastic change in your lifestyle.
I began the month of April with the following provisions: a loaf of bread, six bagels, a container of oatmeal, a bunch of hot dogs, a bag of SunChips, peanut butter, and jelly. With these items and my adventurer spirit, I set out to survive the rest of the year without spending a dime on food. I kept a journal of my exploits. Here are some excerpts:
April 11: I set out into the wild. And man, this is going to be one of the easiest months of my life. If I ration out my food accordingly, I can eat like a king. With just bread, peanut butter, and jelly alone I have more than enough food to last me a long time. In fact, I think I’m gonna have one now!
April 17: One week down. Things have been going okay. The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches got old after the first couple of days. I've begun to move on to hot dogs for sustenance. While it’s refreshing eating hot food, I realized that I forgot to buy buns. Because of this, I have been forced to eat them with slices of bread, causing a great detriment in my bread stocks. The first signs of concern have set in.
April 18: Great success this fine morning! I woke up to find a package of stale Easter candy from my mother on my doorstep. While not rich in nutrients, the sweet food has greatly lifted my spirits. Especially since my microwave broke. I shouldn’t have tried to heat up that cold spoon. No matter! If I didn’t want to eat cold hot dogs, then I shouldn’t have gone to college in the first place.
April 22: Bread supply has completely diminished. However, I still have peanut butter and jelly, so PB&J bagels have become a regular. Unfortunately, I only have six, so I must remain cognizant of how many remain through the coming days. I have also run out of soap and laundry detergent. Funny, in my excitement to start this great adventure, I forgot about things other than food.
April 23: Due to a lack of bread, I am now forced to eat cold hot dogs on a plate with a knife and fork. I ran out of ketchup so I now only use mayonnaise. The other night, I was eating a hot dog right out of my hand as I stared at the inside of the fridge for a solid 45 minutes. Mild dementia setting in.
April 25: Disaster has struck. I went to fetch a hotdog out of my pantry when I noticed a disturbing smell. To my dismay, the hot dogs had become entirely rotten. I attempted to eat the green, fuzzy film off one of the hot dogs, wondering if I had simply left some relish on them the night before. Violent illness followed. The incident with the hot dogs has become one of the greatest tragedies of my life.
April 27: All I have left is oatmeal and SunChips. All I eat is oats. Horses eat oats. I eat the stuff horses eat. I am surviving on horse food.
April 29: After admitting defeat, I decided to drive to the store. However, my roommate informed me that he was out of gas. I attempted to go to the grocery store on foot but found Main Street to be virtually impossible to cross in my condition. I have literally become trapped in my home.
May 1: Now that my roommate decided to eat my bag of SunChips, I am finished. Hungry and smelling like an old man’s bunions, I have no choice but to steal my roommates’ food. This challenge has turned me into a thief.
May 3: Completely forgot this thing was still going on. I just eat all of my roommates’ food now. Things have never been better! Why didn’t I just do this before? They have Gushers! I repeat: Gushers!