Taking Over Your Frat Brother’s Apartment

• Article by VT Staff
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• April 18, 2012
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• Virginia Tech

As you might be aware, the on-campus housing assignments for next year are soon to be released and you are probably wondering if you’re going to make the cut for a second, or third, or fourth year of staying in the dorms. Perhaps you’d like a shot at living off-campus. Lo and behold, after four, or five, or who-knows-how-many, years, your fraternity has a crop of graduates ready to be released into the wild. 

“I don’t want to live in Oak Lane!” you cry aloud to no one in particular. Well, you don’t have to, many Greeks actually don’t live in Oak Lane. In fact, they more than likely live in an apartment or house and guess what? Their lease is about to end and they don’t want to move all of their furniture out. Your older brosephs approach you and your keg-standing, fist-bumping pledge brother with an enticing proposition: simply take over the lease on their apartment, which was once a haven for your drunken foolishness. But be warned, bros. Within that off-white dry wall, there are secrets that the brosephs are not going to tell you.

For example, there’s the couch that was so comfortable when you passed out on it with your shoes on and woke up with phalli drawn all over your face in black Sharpie. What you probably don’t realize is that this couch, and basically every surface in this apartment, has been rage-fucked on. If some twisted homicide was committed at this pad, the CSI people would be unable to determine the semen of the killer because the whole apartment would be glowing under the blacklight. Come to think of it, the cushion did seem a bit crusty…

Anyway, what is worse is the state of the bathroom. Consider your own personal bathroom cleaning habits because once you relocate off-campus, the lovely members of the housing staff are not going to clean up after you. Yes, that’s right: you have to do it yourself. Unfortunately, many people forget this little detail. Looking into the bathroom that has been shared by your older brosephs, you start to wonder what that grayish film is that coats everything. That, I am glad to tell you, is a layer of bacterial growth that is able to withstand a multitude of bodily fluids found in that particular room. It is going to take more than a simple jug of Clorox for you to remedy this situation.

Finally, why does everything in the apartment smell of stale cheese? Well, did you check the status of the fridge? Chances are that they bought Totino’s pizzas back in the Clinton administration and just forgot to get rid of them. Other science projects might be developing in that kitchen, causing your bro haven to smell horrendous. Clean out every food item and steam clean the carpets twice. You’ll need to do it in order to get the stenches of stale beer and shame out of the place.

Now, if you still want to take over their lease, by all means go right ahead. In only a few short years you’ll have a gullible freshman to hand it off to.