Tech Support: Obama's One Weakness

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• November 29, 2010
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From the moment President Obama stepped into office, we knew one thing was for certain: he couldn’t handle the shit he said he could handle. I hear that Obama is so overwhelmed with the economy and things of this nature that he’s calling for reinforcements; India. No not their army, because we all know that India isn’t known for their army. I’m talking about their tech support. Any one of their support technicians will “be on the line shortly” to take The President’s call.

When he does eventually call, he will be on hold for about 25 minutes, despite being promised a short wait. Maybe tech support time goes by faster because we all know that time flies when you’re giving little-to-no help to somebody. Then he’ll be left saying things like, “One,” when he wants the instructions to be in English instead of his real response which he will mutter under his breath like, “Sons of bitches, doesn’t anybody speak fucking English?” Eventually, he will get on the line with an agent, and have a conversation that goes something like this.

“Yes, I’m calling about America. It’s just fucked up and I need to fix it. I’ve already tried taking the battery out and waiting 30 seconds, so skip the bullshit and get to the point.”

“Oh, okay sir, let me just pull up your file. Okay…Barack H. Obama, this is you, correct? And your home address…1600 Pennsylvania Avenue…Washington D.C.? Is this correct Mr. Obama?”

“Yes, that is correct, that’s my…god dammit, can you just fucking help me?”

“Sir, please, we are gathering all the information about your product. Now, my records say you purchased a stimulus package for your country within the past year. How is this working out for you?”

“Ugh, I’m calling you for some goddamn tech support, so you fucking tell me how it’s working out.”

“Mr. Obama, please be patient with me, I am only following a script.”

Five minutes pass.

“Now Mr. President, I know you said you took out the battery, but have you tried unplugging your product and plugging it back in? This usually solves the problem.”

“Yes…I have tried that. It just shows glimmers of hope, and then dies again. I tried telling it that it’s going to be okay. Saying that we will fix it, but I honestly don’t think that’s helping. There’s been a lot of bleeding as of a late; an overwhelming sight of the color red if you know what I mean.”

“I do not know what you mean sir, but I’m going to send a specialist to your home to see if they can fix the problem.”

George H.W. Bush shows up at The White House several hours later in a white van that reads “NATIONAL TECHNICAL SUPPORT” and he gets out of the car.

Obama and Bush will banter back and forth, but ultimately, this is all Obama has left; calling Tech Support in India to solve his problems. In other words, we are screwed. All we can hope for is some kind of Christmas miracle, of which we most certainly won’t find in a government run health care system. We need a Jesus, not the Hispanic guy that cuts the White House lawn but, specifically, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ for president in 2012? I think so. And plus, now Palin won’t seem like much of a long shot.