The 5 Stages of College Laundry
- Article by Michael Cogliano
- September 20, 2011
The First Whiff of Trouble: This is generally a low stress moment when you notice Mount Everest is beginning to take shape in your hamper. No need to panic quite yet but this is the proverbial calm before the storm of heinous odors and sweat stained underwear. This is also the point when well-adjusted people suck it up and do their laundry. Not us! We look down our noses (and our chili-stained t-shirt) at those peons who need to do laundry once every week or two.
Comments you’ll probably make: “Jeez, I should probably do laundry soon.”
Picking Out the Last Pair: Every action movie has this scene: the hero is in the midst of the final shootout with the bad guy, when he suddenly realizes he’s down to his last bullet. You’re final pair of underwear follows the same principle: MAKE THIS ONE COUNT. Live like this is the last day of your life. Because in a way, it is.
Comments you’ll probably make: “Last pair. Good thing I’m planning on doing laundry.” “Shit, I hope I actually do it.”
Talking Yourself Into the Re-wear: This is a pivotal moment in the cycle and here’s why. Anyone can put off laundry if they can hop out of the shower and pull a clean pair of boxers out of the drawer. However, at this point you have to make peace with the idea of climbing back in to whatever pair of underwear has the least offensive odor clinging to it. Coincidentally, this moment often happens when you’ve got 4 minutes to get across campus, making laundry an impossibility. This moment also gives rise to one of the worst experiences of the cycle because you don’t EVER pick up an acceptable pair on the first try. You put yourself into one of the most dreadful employments of trial and error as you breathe in the toxic fumes of the pair you wore to play pickup football a month and a half ago.
Comments you’ll probably make: “This one doesn’t smell too bad.” “I think this one’s clean, it must have just got thrown in here by accident” “Good Lord that smells like someone took a watery dump and wiped their ass with this underwear.”
We Have Liftoff!: Congratulations, you’ve managed to gather all your disgusting articles of clothing into the hamper and move it downstairs. The fact that you put any effort into the process at all will inevitably lead to the false sense of accomplishment that is ultimately your downfall. In reality, you’re no closer to clean underwear than you were 15 stairs before.
Comments you’ll probably make: “Hey guys, I’m finally doing laundry!” “Can’t wait for some clean clothes.”
Defcon 5: This is complete and utter chaos. You’ve lost even the opportunity to re-wear now that your dirty hamper is nowhere in sight. You have a few horrible options. You can get inventive and fashion some makeshift undies from a pair of old gym shorts, or you can do what few have done and not regretted. You can go commando. A few pointers on going commando. Avoid jeans at all cost. Our genitals were not meant for face to face contact with denim and zippers.
Comments you’ll probably make: “FUCK”