The Birth of a New Cult

Article by Adam Carver
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September 14, 2011
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It's been too long since a proper cult has graced the world with its presence. Polygamy isn't in the news anymore. Heaven's Gate is a distant memory and Jonestown is something that most would confuse as a trailer trash amusement park. Now is the time for a new cult to sweep the nation. I'm not talking Bieber Fever; I'm talking matching robes and a commune out in the woods kind of thing.

And I have just the one to take over the country (in pop culture sense, we don't believe in world domination. Or loose meat sandwiches). I'm not the leader by any means, merely a man who has an understanding of what this country needs to get us back on our feet. The appeal of Chuck Norris is so last decade. We must take that step forward and embrace the new man to take the mantle from Walker Texas Ranger. Who is it, you ask? Google Mr. Willem Dafoe and you'll have your answer!

Willem Dafoe is a man all Americans can support in 2012. To hell with American Idol contestants and Michelle Bachmann's lunacy, no one votes seriously in the presidential campaign anymore anyway. Willem Dafoe is the only qualified candidate on the ballot. His credentials: he is the only man to be nominated for an Oscar for playing a vampire (Suck on that Robbie Pattinson); he is also arguably the best Spiderman villain of any of the films; he's played Jesus Christ, a transvestite detective, Rainbow Six's John Clark and even an ex-vampire to boot (in a separate vampire film); but best of all, he's a midwestern boy from Dells and Cheese country. With roles such as those, he is clearly superior to Mr. I-Act-With-My-Beard.

Right now you are asking yourself, “How do I become part of such a wonderful cult that follows such a talented performer?” The answer is simple. Watch all of Dafoe's films and appreciate him for what he is. And that would be “the Man with scary cheekbones who you know from that one movie. Not that one, the other one. Yeah, that one.”

All card carrying members know what this cult entails, but to those potential victims recruits, here is a quick breakdown:

1) All Dafoe devotees will announce his or her arrival with an intense stare, doing your best version of the “Dafoe Angry Glare.”

2) We take every opportunity to practice safe sex in groups. Cults are known for being filled with sex, drugs and drinking. We replaced the drugs with Brach's candies and left the sex and drinking in. I mean, it is a cult after all.

3) You force yourself to sit through his film Antichrist, which will end up being quite a fun time when you understand the movie for the masterpiece that it is.

4) When people question your involvement in the cult of Dafoe, you reply simply with, “Down with Norris!”

5) And most importantly, you buy yourself a bunch of silk screens and Hanes white tees to make Willem Dafoe t-shirts for others in your commune. (Merchandise can also be found on our website.)

The specific aspects of a run-of-the-mill cult that will not be tolerated are: references to Charles Manson or the band Hanson, death or suicide pacts and any juice served with LSD, cyanide, sugar, artificial sweeteners, water or spit.

Our first meeting will be held on the roof of Mackay Hall once we figure out how to get up there safely. We begin every meeting promptly at 7:30ish on the day one of his movies is released in Iowa. We'll discuss the intended expectation of the film to perfect the viewing process and then we will exchange Photoshopped pictures of us in scenes of the film. And yes, we do perform at weddings and bar mitzvahs, but not birthdays or funerals. Each member should be gifted in balloon animal craft and popsicle stick house construction. If you have any questions or requests, email us chucknorriscansuckit@willemdafoeistheman.gov. Please, serious inquiries only.

Willem has no affiliation with our cult, nor does he share the thoughts and views of the collective aforementioned. That said, we would very much like to meet him, study his craft and his stare and sculpt a life-sized statue of him out of mold. If you have any way of contacting him, please email us at the e-mail address previously provided.