The College Survival Guide for Short Guys
- Written by Landon Mills
- May 9, 2012
Little Guy Syndrome (LGS), typically seen in males who are below the average American height of 5’ 10”, affects males aged 16-29 and causes men to think all of society is playing keep away with their lunch boxes. Oddly enough, midgets (‘little people’ could refer to anyone in this article, and is thus inappropriate – for once) do not normally contract Little Guy Syndrome, as they've had their whole lives to accept the fact that they'll be teeny and/or tiny forever. As a lifelong survivor of LGS, I can attest to the misery accompanied with this illness. On many occasions I can recall being at a public event only to have to stare into the shoulder blades of every person in front of me, turning me into a monster who, at any moment, would go Popeye on every bastard that asked me where my mother was.
The toughest moment in every LGS survivors’ life is college. Although considerably more difficult, the afflicted can lead just as liver-damaging and sexually promiscuous lives as every other college student. I’m living proof. While there is no cure for LGS, there is hope for a normal college life. Here are some tips to help cope with your curse:
First and foremost, short guys need to make sure they check their swag levels every two to three hours. Too high and they could unknowingly sign up for the beating of a lifetime. Too low and they could end up what I like to call “Charlie Browning-out” – a depressed-like state that may cause a slow, short-stepped walking pace and a vulnerability to humiliation by evil women. It’s a fine line, but name me a tightrope walker who’s over 5’ 4” – you simply can’t do it.
Stay seated! When people are sitting down they never even consider how tall another person is. Wherever you are, make sure to offer whoever you’re with a seat as soon as possible. As long as you make sure you’re the last person to leave the room no one will ever know about your lack of precious, manly inches.
When dancing at the bar it is absolutely essential that people with LGS jump as much as humanly possible. This will do two things. First, it will prove your weightlessness, and if done correctly, your chances of crowd surfing will shoot through the roof. There doesn’t need to be a statistic here for me to comfortably claim that all inebriated tall people like to pick things up and toss ‘em around. Bringing up the pivotal piggyback ride at the end of Lord of the Rings can only help. Second, assuming they’re drunk enough to already be dancing with their little brother, the girls’ judgment must already be pretty hampered. If you’re jumping as much as you should be, chicks won’t be able to properly gauge your height. Jump enough that figuring out how tall you are would be like trying to get close enough to pet a squirrel. Use your surroundings to your advantage, too. Remember those little boxes up against the wall at Joe’s and Cly’s? The bar is usually so dark that no one will be able to notice if you’re standing up on one of them or not. That’ll buy you a good foot or two.
All hope is not lost when one reaches the age of twenty-two and realizes that he’s contracted LGS. There are, however, several advantages to having this disease. Several means two, right?
1) You have a larger range of potential hiding spots in the event that the cops bust a party you’re attending. Although this isn’t really an advantage. After all, tall people’s longer legs allow them to get out of the house and a few blocks away within a matter of a few seconds. Meanwhile, you’re stuck praying that no one drunkenly decides to do some laundry.
2) When tall people drop something, it usually breaks. When you drop something, it’s sort of like when tall people set something down. This means you won’t have to deal with the decision of choosing and purchasing a new cell phone cover every few months.
If you suffer from Little Guy Syndrome or show any of these symptoms, consult your doctor to see if stilts are right for you. And since the only people who use stilts are circus freaks that aren’t actually even people, consult your doctor to see if alcohol is right for you.