The Day Santa Claus Met the Minneapolis Hipsters
- Article by Alyssa Hertig
- December 13, 2012
Once upon a time there was a group of jovial hipsters who were really excited about the snow and the charity and the holidays. They all gathered at Hard Times to get ready for Christmas and hand-write a letter to Santa inviting him to the University of Minnesota. Since Santa is a pretty famous, classy man, they requested that he meet them at Blue Nile for some Ethiopian food.
Santa opened up his mail and thought carefully about this request. He had never stayed in Minneapolis for very long. So he did a little research over the internet and found out that Minneapolis was the home of the Juicy Lucy’s, so he decided he would stop there to say hello.
Santa stepped into the restaurant at 2 p.m. central time. His big black boots hit the floor with a thud, and his big wispy beard got tangled in a nearby candle. He untangled it swiftly and bellowed a “Ho, ho, ho!” and marched over to the hipsters’ table. The hipsters sat there in awe, “You came!” they shrieked.
After ordering their Ethiopian delights, the hipsters didn't know how to talk to Santa, so they talked amongst themselves about recycling and Infinite Jest. Santa listened patiently and dipped his fingers into a brown lentil dish when one of the hipsters spoke the first words directed at Santa. “What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?” he asked.
“Hmmm, ho ho ho! That’s a very interesting question.”
“It’s a joke,” he explained, blushing, his voice tart. “The answer is ‘frostbite.’”
Santa roared with laughter. In fact, he laughed so hard, he began to cough. A button flew from his velvet coat and hit a fat kid in the eye. The fatty started bleeding and cried for help. Then a long-haired student with a yellow turtleneck pointed at Santa’s unveiled underwear - it had a picture of Bella Swan peeking from the corner.
Another hipster furiously lifted his head, “Santa, that is too ironic,” he said.
The hipsters were offended. “We thought you were cool!” they exclaimed in unison.
One of them shouted something about class warfare and Santa was swarmed by a flurry of purple flannel and sexy boots. The heated exchange was transferred to the outdoors. Santa wound up his arm and threw the first snowball. Dozens of pairs of black-rimmed glasses lay crushed in the snow. Nobody knew what to do. Snow flew everywhere, people were crying, and Santa towered over the defeated hipsters. Eric Kaler peeked from behind a corner, horrified by the state of The Blue Nile – three inches of snow covered the lobby.
Santa Claus began to laugh, “Ho ho ho! You were all already on my naughty list!”
The hipsters didn’t know how to respond. They started to chuckle. And then they were all laughing and making snow angels. “Now we can say we can say we participated in an epic snowball fight with the most charitable man on earth, Santa Claus! That is truly cool.”
“I really like the University of Minnesota; you have a great culture, very intelligent students, and a great selection of local hip hop artists!” Santa yelled as he flew away on his sleigh, laughing all the way.